Someone recently asked me to share my favorite parenting moment. And I had to think about it for a minute, because the moment that came to mind wasn't my favorite parenting moment for a long time. It took some time and distance to get there. But I really appreciate it for what it was now, and I want to share it with you.
The Setup
This was a couple of years ago. I was having a really bad day. Overwhelmed, stressed, burnt out. I'd spent about eight hours working on a project, and I was just not having a good day. By about 9 o'clock at night, I realized I hadn't even eaten. I just powered through the whole day and lost the time completely.
So I go downstairs into the kitchen to make myself something to eat. Minding my own business. Not bothering anyone.
And Gavin walks in.
The Confrontation
I said, "Hey, what's up, Gavin?" He doesn't say anything to me. I said, "Are you okay?"
And then he turns around. Not slow. Like a snap. He was one way and then he was another. It was weird, and I just remember it that way.
He walked right up to me. And when I say walked up to me, I mean he stepped up to me. He got in my face. He's shorter than me, so he's kind of looking up. But he's right there. And I have a very real thing about personal space. I don't like people invading that.
He opens his mouth and goes, "Do you have any idea how annoying it is when you have to repeat yourself to somebody because they didn't listen the first time?"
When I tell you, I was in a state of overwhelm and overload at that moment, that would be an understatement. If I was watching myself from the outside, it would have been just this glitching. Like I wouldn't be saying or doing anything. Just trying to process what just happened.
I looked at him and said, "Are you serious?"
The Debate
Because here's the thing. Gavin and I have a long history of pranking each other and doing stuff like this just to mess with the other person. He'd never done anything like this before, so I'm thinking that's what he's doing.
"Gavin, are you serious right now?"
"Yeah. I'm so tired of having to tell you what my work schedule is. I told you last week when I was working."
I said, "Gavin, I've asked you twice in the last week and a half, and it was because you didn't tell me the first time. And I have to drive you, so I need to know."
If it was possible for him to get more serious than what he already was, he was doing it. The conviction in his tone was like he'd been wronged. Like he'd had a lifetime of having to repeat himself to me.
And I'm thinking, "Do you have any idea how many times I've had to repeat myself to you? Just you? I would be the first trillionaire if I had a fraction of a penny for every time I had to repeat myself to you guys."
But then he's not done. He's getting animated. He takes his finger and points it at me and says, "Well, Dad, maybe you should write it down next time so you don't forget."
The Processing
I wish I could have seen what I looked like in that moment. It would have been hilarious.
I'd never seen anything like this from him before. He's had meltdowns, obviously, but never like this. It was like this had been building up for years and he was just tired of it.
I didn't know what to do. Shock and confusion, I think. Is he pranking me? Because he's gotten better over the years. There are signs that he can actually kind of convince me, and I really don't know whether he's being serious or not. And maybe this was one of those times.
But then there was also this pride that was kind of moving in. Filling up the gaps. Because if this was a prank, he really just owned it. That's pretty cool. He got me. He actually got me. I still don't know whether it was real or not. If it was ultimately a long con and he's going to come back someday and say, "Aha, it was a joke," that would be legendary and I'm proud of him.
And even arguably more importantly, he was standing up for himself. He was speaking out. That's important. He needs to be able to do that. Even if the circumstances maybe didn't warrant the approach, the fact that he did it is a big deal.
So I'm having all these conflicting emotions. And he's just not backing down. He's standing right there, getting closer and closer. Then he tapped me with his finger to get my attention and reinforce his point.
And I stepped back and said, "I can't even see you right now. I don't even want to hear your voice. I don't want to have this conversation. I'm going to take myself upstairs, close my door, and just sit. I love you, but I just got to go. I'm going to put myself in timeout."
And I walked away.
The Realization
As I'm walking up the steps, still trying to figure out what just happened, I'm texting Kelly. And she says something that changed everything.
She said, "He's acting a lot like a teenager."
She was right. I never thought about it like that. I was so used to him being so developmentally delayed, pegged at about six years old for a really long time, that it never occurred to me that he might have been making progress. This was one of the first signs that he was.
I look back on it fondly now. It took time and distance for me to have that perspective. But surprisingly, it's one of my favorite memories of Gavin.
Why This Matters
This is the thing about autism parenting that people don't always see. The moments that frustrate you, confuse you, and completely short-circuit your brain in real time can turn out to be the moments you're proudest of. The moments that show you growth you didn't know was happening.
Gavin getting in my face about repeating myself wasn't a behavioral issue. It was self-advocacy. It was a 26-year-old man who had spent most of his life developmentally stuck at six years old finally acting his age. And I almost missed it because I was too overwhelmed to see it in the moment.
Kelly saw it. She gave me the lens I needed to understand what had actually happened. And once I saw it, I couldn't unsee it.
So if you're an autism parent and your kid does something today that catches you completely off guard, something that frustrates you or confuses you or makes you want to put yourself in timeout, take a step back before you react. There might be growth happening that you're not recognizing yet. Sometimes the hardest moments are actually the best ones. You just need a little distance to see them for what they are.
I've got a whole lot of stories I can start sharing. If you want to hear more, just drop a comment and let me know.
Have a great day, guys.