June 5th, 2017 was a milestone day for our family. It has been 365 days since Lizze moved back home, with me and our boys. This move ended our almost two year separation.
You can read earlier posts about what life was like prior to one year ago. I'll try and give some brief background for all those new to our story, before updating on our current status.
Our separation basically resulted from a combination of caregiver burnout, along with both mental, and physical illness. Lizze went through a very difficult period, and we later discovered this was in large part due to caregiver burnout.
Essentially, she ran herself into the ground, caring for our family.
Caregiver burnout is very real, and results from someone putting so much into caring for someone else, they forget to take care of themselves. Over time, this can have a devastating impact on the physical, and mental health of the caregiver.
During this two year period of time, I was a single parent, raising all three boys on my own. It was the toughest thing I have ever done, but it was what I had to do. I learned a great deal about myself along the way.
Lizze and I weren't always on the best of terms during our separation, but I tried very hard not to let that impact anything. I knew something wasn't right. Lizze and I have been together for most of my adult life, and for her to leave like she did, meant something was very wrong. We'd never had any marriage problems before, and this came out of nowhere, surprising everyone in our lives.
What I didn't know at the time, was how much Lizze was suffering. It wasn't always visible on the outside, but I later learned that looks can be deceiving, as cliché as that sounds.
Fast forward a bit, and as Lizze slowly recovered, she decided to take her life back. She found and took on a very intensive, outpatient therapy called DBT. This is extremely intense, and helps people dealing with things like bipolar disorder, which she was diagnosed with, shortly after we separated. DBT helps one to live in the moment, and communicate more effectively with the world around them.
That's way oversimplified, but that's how I think of it.
After about six months in this therapy, Lizze and I began to reconnect, eventually resulting in reconciliation. While it may have seemed sudden, and out of nowhere to some people, there was a great deal going on privately, behind the scenes before this happened.
What I learned from our separation, was that I completely took Lizze for granted. I assumed she would always be there, and that was a very big misstep on my part.
Lizze and I both learned how much we had neglected ourselves, and our marriage. We didn't realize it at the time, but we gave everything we had to the boys for so long, and had nothing left to give ourselves, or each other. This became the norm, and we didn't see the toll it was taking, especially on Lizze.
There was never a point where we didn't love each other, we just got so caught up in raising three kids with very challenging needs, that we spent ourselves into an emotional hole. By the time we realized this, Lizze had already paid a heavy price, bankrupting herself both physically and emotionally.
It's a very painful lesson, but one we've learned from. I like to speak on this subject from time to time because my hope is that you can learn from our well intentioned mistakes.
That's basically the readers digest version of the how's and why's. Now on to where we are today.
Let's fast forward a full year, and talk about where we are now.
Simply put, Lizze and I are great. Life isn't easy, but we are much closer now. It's not like we weren't close before, it's that we're more aware of each other. Part of this new found *awareness *is in regards to knowing our limits, and maintaining priorities.
This time around, we've re-prioritized our lives. We have learned to care for ourselves as individuals first and foremost. After that, we care for our marriage, and then the kids. It seems to sorta go against the grain, but it makes sense.
We can't have a strong marriage, if we don't take care of ourselves, as individuals first. Likewise, we can't be the strongest, most effective parents possible, if our marriage is in shambles, and we are falling apart individually.
This new approach to life ensures that at the end of the day, our boys get the very best of us. Is the best of us always enough? Hell no it isn't, and that's okay. Raising three kids with Autism means that even on our very best day, when we're both at 100%, it's still not enough to meet the demands. All we can do is our best.
A big thing we do now is a weekly date night. Nothing fancy, unless you consider cheap pizza, ice cream from Walgreens, and Netflix fancy. lol
The point is to set aside time each week for us. That's not easy with three challenging kids, and financial limitations. That said, it's not so much what we're doing, but rather the quality of the time spent.
Much of this newfound wisdom, was the result of marriage counseling, as well as ongoing family therapy.
We are still in family therapy, and have been for well over a decade, because of the nature of our lives. Marriage counseling helped significantly, and it ran its course for now. While we aren't going to a dedicated marriage counselor at the moment, we keep that as a tool, should the need arise in the future.
Our family is stronger than ever today. The truth is, if we hadn't gone through the separation, I probably couldn't say that.
The boys have long since adjusted to Lizze being home. In a weird way, it's like we had hit the *pause *button on our family for awhile. When Lizze came home, we hit *play *and moved forward with our lives. This time around however, we are smarter, stronger, and have a much greater appreciation for each other, and our family. ☺
