I wish I could go into the details of just how absolutely overloaded I am right now or what I'm feeling. I'm trying to wind down but it's not working very well. I'm trying hard to find a balance here that allows me to share what I think is important without crossing a line. The problem is that I can't really see the line anymore and there a part of me that literally has zero shits left to give.
At the moment, I'm dealing with a child who's being bullied and its escalated to social media. It's reached a level where he's fucking being told to kill himself. I'm so over kids being assholes and it's taking everything thing I have not to make some very bad decisions right now. The last two days have been difficult. His mom and I have decided to pull him from the school. He will not be returning at this point. He's setup on remote learning and we're going to work with that for the time being. He's safe and going to be okay but lines have been crossed. There aren't words to express how I'm feeling as I'm writing this. I'm intentionally being vague, not to be frustrating, but rather because I'm trying to exercise discretion.
Tonight I also had to send one of the kids to spend the night at their moms unexpectedly because of an incident that took place. I needed to be deesculate things and this was the only way. I haven't had to deal with anything like this in some time and it was emotionally draining.
I'm so tired, frustrated, and overwhelmed.
On the positive side, I did go work out and it was one of the best workouts I've had in a good while. I feel really good about that and plan on returning tomorrow if at all possible. I need to put myself first again and make sure I'm focused on self-care. I've made so progress and I don't want to lose anymore of it. I've got some ground I need to make up but I can totally do this.
It's fair to say that I'm struggling a little bit right now. Honestly, it's more than a little bit. I don't know why I downplay things like this.
As far as the kids go, I think that a large part of the problem has been some recent changes in our lives, as well as the house being torn apart while it's being repainted. It's taking a toll on everyone and that leads to frustration.
There are a few other things I'm stressed out over and a large part of it centers around work. I've got a ton of business coming in and that's always a good thing. At the same time, I'm having some issues with billing and it's incredibly frustrating. I'm too nice and I can't be that way. I need to make some changes to how I bill out for work, as well as setting clear expectations for payment. This is entirely my fault and luckily, it's easily fixed. It's just one more thing I'm trying to juggle right now.
In all reality, life is good. Everyone is safe and healthy. Business is going really well and I'm making progress on the house. I was even asked to do something so amazing, I can't wait to tell you about it. These are all good things and there's no question about that. The truth is, however, I could be holding a winning powerball ticket in my hand right now and still feel this overwhelmed. As a parent, knowing that there are kids out there telling one of my kids to kill himself, is just too much, and nothing else fucking matters right now. Lizze is actively involved in navigating this from a distance and it's a big help. At the same time, I'm going through this alone and it's sucking the life out of me.
I'm tired, heartbroken, angry, and fighting to restrain the papa bear that's constantly trying to get out. I have to go about dealing with this the right way, or risk making everything worse. I doubt any of these little assholes read this blog but I do know some of their parents do. If you're reading this and wondering to yourself if your child is part of the problem, maybe have a conversation with them about bullying. Talk about how it's not okay. For that matter, everyone reading this should be having this conversation with their kids. We can be proactive and teach our kids how to respond when they see someone being bullied or if they're being bullied themselves. That simple conversation could lead to actions that change the course of someones life.
Before anyone comes back at me with the whole *kids will be kids *nonsense, there is something seriously wrong when children are encouraging other children to kill themselves. This is not okay and just because you can't see your child ever doing something like this, doesn't mean they aren't. You may be surprised what you'd discover when you monitor their online activity.
I haven't written this honestly or shared things that were so personal in long time. I'm trying to find a way to share something I think is very important, while not oversharing. We are not the only family dealing with this kind of thing and it needs to be called out when it happens. There are so many kids living through this type of cruelty and their parents may not even be aware. Please have a conversation with your kids. Make sure they're okay. Ask direct questions and never be afraid to monitor their online activity. Kids are so cruel sometimes and the many on the receiving end of that cruelty will suffer in silence. Keep the lines of communication open with your kids and have this conversation today.
