I swear to God it feels like I’m always apologizing for not writing enough. I don’t know why I feel the need to do that but clearly I do. I guess that I feel as though I’m letting people down when I don’t write or share. That’s just a weird thing I put on myself though. If I don’t write for a period of time, I start getting messages from people checking up on me. Sometimes that's how I end up realizing that it’s been awhile.
Anyway, because I’m me and feel the need. I’m sorry it’s been so long since we’ve talked. I'm just going to run with this but truthfully, my heads a mess and I'm not sure what direction this is going to take.
Usually there’s a reason or reasons for my lack of writing. Sometimes I’m just feeling spent and need a break. Other times it might be that I’m going through a difficult time and writing is simply too overwhelming. As we all know, writing is how I cope with life and not writing for a little while is usually a good sign that said life has become a bit more challenging.
I could lie and say that everything is okay but that’s not the truth. One of the things that I’ve focused on from the accidental conception of this blog was honesty. I don’t hide from the truth or my mistakes because how does that help anyone. It certainly doesn’t help me and it probably isn’t helpful to the many who come here looking to learn something from my experiences. I try very hard to always be a positive example, especially to other Dads.
I have no problem admitting my mistakes and talking about them because maybe someone can learn from them. As yo may have figured out by now, I’m a big fan of teaching moments. Shit happens in life and it sucks but what can be learned from the experience? That’s sorta my mantra.
Emotions are a tricky thing and I tend to be a very emotional person. That’s not necessarily a bad thing but it can make life more complicated and messy. Emotions can sometimes be a driving force and influence my actions. Again, not necessarily a bad thing but it can be problematic at times. It’s just part of who I am and something I’m working on gaing a better understanding of, and control over. It’s actually one of my personal growth goals and I feel as though I’ve come a long way. Far from perfect, and yes, there’s room for growth, but that’s okay. Just imagine if there was no room for personal growth, that would be a bad thing. It would mean that change or improvement would be more difficult, if not impossible.
The truth is, I’m struggling a bit emotionally and feeling kinda lost right now. I feel like I’m adrift at sea and can’t find my way back to shore. It’s not a good feeling and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
One thing I have learned about myself, especially over the last couple of years, is that I will always find a way. I’m not a quiter and I don’t run away when things get tough. It may take me a little time to figure things out. I may need to be creative, and it might not always be pretty, or even make sense to others, but I always find a way.
Sometimes I feel like I just fuck eveything up though and I hate feeling that way. I’ve been keeping to myself recently and trying to find my center. When I feel this lost, I need to find what really matters most to me. Finding my center helps me to remember who I am, what I stand for, and it reminds me to focus on what really matters. I’ve found over the course of my life, that shit happens, and when it does, it tends to create static or noise. All that static and noise can become overwhelming, sometimes drowning out or distracting me from what I should be thinking, feeling, or doing.
There are times when I need to remind myself of these things, and I think writing this is helping me to do just that.
I’ve got a lot on my mind and a great many things on my plate. I’m overwhelmed, exhausted, stressed out, scared, sad, and upset with myself.
You know what? I’m doing it again. I have to stop doing this.
Fuck it! The truth is, I’m not okay and I won’t pretend to be. I’m going through some difficult times. I’ll be fine but at present I’m not. Do you know how hard that is to admit? It’s really fucking hard and I don’t know why that is. It’s not that I think myself weak for feeling the way I do. I think it’s more about not wanting to worry, overwhelm, or burden others with whatever I’m going through. I realize how big of a hypocrite that makes me, but there it is.
Let’s step past the admitted hypocrisy and focus on the more important message here, because I need this to be a teaching moment. Yes, while honesty is super important, and everyone goes through tough times, that’s not my message. If you take anything away from the words I’m writing, please let it be this.
It’s okay to not be okay.
You don’t always have to be strong and that doesn’t mean you’re weak. It’s okay to be scared or sad or anything else our very human brains can cook up and throw at us. I know mine can cook up some doozies and it sometimes feels like I'm playing dodge ball as my brain flings an onslaught of emotions in my direction.
Life isn’t easy and it can definitely be messy. At the same time, it's so important that we not lose perspective. We live in a very unforgiving world that is often sending us the wrong message.
It’s not about the shit that happens and more about how we deal with it. It’s not about the mistakes we make but rather what we learn from those mistakes. It's not about the obstacles in our path but rather the path we create around the obstacles. It’s not about being perfect but rathering embracing our imperfections. It’s not about how much we can accumulate but rather what we’ve contrubuted. Life is all about the people we love and taking advantage of the time we have together. It’s about freezing as many moments forever in our memories as we can, before our time together on this Earth is up. It's about never taking anything or anyone for granted. It's about loving and accepting ourselves for who we are, warts and all.
What I am going to do is end this here and go show myself some love by heading to the gym.
I really needed to write this because it helped me to remember these things for myself and it’s made it a little easier to say that *I’m not okay. *I will be but for right now, I’m not, and you know what? That’s okay.
