I know there are people out there who are new to this blog or maybe just getting to know me, so I thought now might be a great time to share an update that focuses on my journey. I haven't done one of these updates in a little while, so now's as good a time as any.
I assume that you know the basics about my life, and if you don't, those are pretty easy to find on the homepage or throughout this entire site.
What I want to do is focus on the time since I became a single parent. A lot has changed for me since August of 2019, and I'm okay talking about it because it's part of my journey. I feel like we're all on a journey, and while our journeys may be different, we're all just trying to find our way through life as best we can. I'm certainly no exception to this.
I've been a single parent twice during my nearly 20-year marriage. The first time was from 2014 through late 2016. The second time is what began my current journey. Both times I raised my kids alone, and it took some getting used to, but I managed.
My divorce was final in February of 2021, after a long separation. My kids live with me full-time, I have full custody, and I'm pretty much on my own. I do have a highly supportive family, and I have a good relationship with my ex-inlaws. Both are things I'm grateful for because it takes a village.
Over the last almost two years, I've spent a lot of time working on myself. I had to learn to let go of the things I have no control over and focus on what I did. I didn't have any control over the end of my marriage, but I did control how I chose to handle it. I made the conscious decision to let go of anger and spend that energy on the kids.
I think it's okay to be angry. I think it's okay to feel whatever emotions I experience because I'm human. Emotion isn't a weakness, and it certainly doesn't have to control me either. A few months after my ex-wife left, I decided to choose forgiveness. I forgave her because it allowed me to move forward and let go of my anger.
It's okay to be angry, but letting anger go unchecked is not healthy. It becomes toxic and would have destroyed me from the inside out.
I choose not to allow anger to take root in my life. I still experience anger because, again, I'm human. Rather than let it control me, I embrace it, experience it, put it down, and walk away. It's not always easy, but it helps me to be the best version of myself possible. My kids deserve to have the best version of me, and frankly, so do I.
Therapy has helped me to put things into perspective. I have spent a lot of time taking a self-inventory. I looked at myself and recognized that there was room for personal growth. I'm a total work in progress, and I'm okay with that because it allows me always to strive to do better. Being a work in progress means that I'm not a final version of myself. I'm constantly evolving, growing, and learning to navigate better this crazy game called life.
I have learned a great deal about my self-worth. When someone important to me chooses to walk out of my life, it hurts. I discovered very early that it's easy to be swallowed up by all the negative and find myself in a darker place. It took some time, but I realized that I'm a worthy person, and I have a lot to offer. I deserve to be loved, and most importantly, I deserve to be happy.
Those lessons were painful but necessary for me to come out the other end of this intact.
I experienced a great deal of loss, all at the same time. I lost both my grandparents within six months of each other, and I was devastated. My marriage ended within a month or so of my grandmother's passing. My kids were traumatized by their mom leaving and losing their great-grandparents. Then COVID hit. I spent a year alone with my kids, trying to keep Gavin safe because he's immunocompromised. I went over a year without a hug from another adult, and that was hard.
Please don't mistake this for me complaining. I know so many people have it worse. The point is that I was able to rise to the occasion, albeit imperfectly. I focused on rebuilding myself, helping my kids heal, manage remote learning, work, keep my business from failing, grow the podcast exponentially, and not lose my mind in the process. I even began a weight-loss journey and, to date, have lost 70+ lbs. I'm super proud of myself, and I'm not one to pat myself on the back.
I'm pleased with my life. It's not perfect, and that's okay. I'm not rich, and business took a hit during COVID. That's stressful and makes things challenging sometimes, but I'm standing on my own two feet, and that's something I'm pretty proud of. My house, like me, is a work in progress. When all of these things were happening, I was spread incredibly thin and had to prioritize. The house took a seat on the back burner, and that was the right decision to make at the moment. Now we get to decide what we want our house to be like, so we can make it a more comfortable place for us to call home. We need to reclaim it for ourselves and make it represent the four of us. I'm excited about this. Hopefully, by the end of the summer, we will have most of these projects completed.
Life is looking up for us. Business is getting better and each month is better than the previous month. The boys are doing so much better, and Gavin's decided he wants to move out on his own, meaning I will have an empty nest at some point. That blows my mind.
I did start dating this year, and that's been an experience. I've met some fantastic people, and I've learned even more about myself. Oddly enough, my kids kept encouraging me to date. There were a few hiccups for them along the way, and I needed to step back for a bit, but I'm slowly beginning to explore that part of my life once again. The kids have resolved some of the issues they were struggling with and are in a much better place, so I feel comfortable moving forward.
I'm learning to navigate the dating world, as it's a whole new experience for me. I want to remarry and build a new life with my person. I can't find my person if I stay on the sidelines, never taking any risks.
There's a great deal I have left to learn, but I feel like I'm doing okay. I'm not perfect, and I don't try to hide that. It takes time to recover from something as profoundly impactful as divorce. I feel like I'm emotionally in a good place, and I'm financially recovering as well. The kids are doing good, and we're making our house a home. I'm still looking to move, but for now, I feel like this is the right place to be.
On a side note, I still deal with depression, and I'm very open about that. I'm not ashamed of it, and I'm doing a fantastic job of managing it. I've officially come off of one of my antidepressants, and I feel great. I was supposed to go off of the Wellbutrin about two years ago, but when my grandparents passed, Lizze left, and COVID hit, I decided it was probably not the best time to make that kind of change. My doctor agreed. Now that life is returning to normal, things are going better, and I'm doing well, it was time.
Don't get me wrong; I have my bad days. Depression can sometimes kick my ass, but those days are fewer are far less frequent. As I was writing this, I took a break and joined the local YMCA. I'm tired of trying to work out from home, and I miss going to the gym. It will just be me for the time being, but if the kids express interest, I'll add them. For right now, I want to get into a new routine and continue to get myself back into shape.
I'm so excited to see where my life is going to lead. I'm excited to begin this next chapter and, hopefully, find someone who wants to help me write it.
I hear from people all the time who are struggling in much the same way I was. They're going through a divorce or breakup. Some have experienced the loss of a loved one. Others are just overwhelmed by life and need to talk.
I'm always here for you guys, and I'm easy to find. I can't fix anything, but I can listen, and sometimes that helps. Life does get better, and while it takes time, you can't give up. You have to keep moving forward. Never settle for less than you deserve, and remember that you aren't alone.
