It has occurred to me that I haven't talked about my depression much lately. I talk about to people who reach out offline quite a bit and I sometimes forget to do that here as well.
One of the reasons this occurred to me is because I noticed today that I'm struggling a little more than I have been in regards to managing my depression. I think everyone deals with life differently and depression hits people in different ways as well. We're all different and that's okay.
For me personally, I know depression is once again gaining a foothold in my life when I begin worrying about dying. It's not easy for me to admit that because there's only a few people in my life that are aware of this particular struggle.
This is tied to my PTSD, again, which I don't talk about much. When I was a fire/medic, I experienced things that most people never will. I've seen so many adults and kids die unexpectedly and it really impacted me. I began to worry about my mortality because life is so fragile and I've seen it extinguished in the blink of an eye.
I've seen people die from relatively common health emergencies that could happen to any of us and I've seen people die from freak accidents. It takes a toll.
My worry is irrational and not based in fact but rather a sudden surge of anxiety that just won't quit.
I understand why I feel this way but the reality is that what I'm feeling isn't based on fact. It's based on a chemical imbalance in my brain that interferes with how I see myself and the world around me. It impacts how I feel and how I perceive things. Unless you live it, it's so hard to understand what this is like. I mean, it's fucking awful.
When I feel like this, I'm not living life and simply trying to survive it.
Everytime someone close to me dies, this anxiety rises to the surface. We're stuck in the middle of a public health catastrophe and that feeds the anxiety. It's hard for me to remain focused and not allow this to distract me from what I need to be doing. I'll tell you what. It's not easy. There are times where I have to actively distract myself in order to not be overcome by these feelings.
The reality is, I need to continue losing weight but outside of that, I'm in good shape in regards to my health. My back is a nightmare at the moment and limiting my ability to work out but that's just a temporary delay. I'll be back at in a few days.
The whole point of this is to share that I'm struggling a bit with my depression. I'm not giving up. I'm not allowed to quit and neither are you.
While depression is a challenge right now, I'm doing pretty good considering. I feel hopeful about the future and I'm making plans for when the world stops burning. I think those are really good signs.
I know there's a stigma that remains attached to mental health issues like depression and talking about it isn't something everyone is comfortable doing. That's totally okay. No one should have to speak publicly about things as personal as their own mental health. I say that with the understanding that they talk to someone when they need to.
Just remember that you're not alone. You matter and bring a light to this world that no one else can. We're all in this together and if you need to talk and don't have anyone else, please shoot me an email. I'm happy to listen.
