I know that I talk about the bad days quite a bit and that can be depressing to read. There are so many factors that go into writing about my experience and generally, I err on the side of transparency. My intention is not to be depressing but rather to be open about my Depression.
Depression plays a role in literally every single part of my life and it's not easy to manage.
Being a special needs parent is very challenging. Being a single special needs parent is even more so. When it comes to the challenge, things like autism and fragile health definitely complicate things. The truth is, my own mental health directly impacts how I'm able to cope with stress and rise to the occasion.
I feel very strongly that it's important to be open, honest and transparent when it comes to sharing my story. As the boys get older, I'm more careful about what I share in regards to them and often get their permission prior to writing about an experience that involved them.
When it comes to myself, I try to be an open book because I can't help anyone with half truths and spin. I'm a flawed, imperfect human being. That means I make mistakes and dumbass decisions sometimes. That being said, I try my best every single day to do right by my kids. Despite all the challenge, I never give up. I may not always succeed but I never give up.
When I sat down to write tonight, it took some effort because I've had a stressful day and I simply want to hide in bed and stare at the ceiling until I hopefully fall asleep.
Writing is incredibly therapeutic for me but lately, the idea of writing about what I just experienced is so overwhelming, I often walk away from it instead.
Days like today don't make things easier.
I didn't sleep last night because I'm stressed out and overwhelemed. My back has been bothering me today and I lost count of the times I wanted to scream.
The kids were not really a problem. They bickered but they're amazing and not really contributing to my overall stress levels.
This past weekend has really pissed me off and I'm being smacked in the face by the reality of just how badly I need to get my kids out of this neighborhood.
I spent the day boarding up my shattered attic windows, dealing with insurance about the damage to the car and trying to get all the work I needed to get done, done. I'm so overwhelmed and frustrated.
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Depression is once again creeping into my life and it's kicking my ass right now.
I had therapy today and I'm not sure if that helped or made things worse. There are so many different emotions I'm experiencing. I'm worried about keeping my kids safe in a country that is drowning in COVID19 cases. I'm lonely because I haven't had any adult contact in over 124 days now. I'm angry about the damage to my property as a result of the assholes in my neighborhood exploding professional fireworks all over my house and car.
I'm overwhelmed because 100% of the responsibility for my kids falls on my shoulders alone. That means if something happens to any of them, it's on me, and I have to live with that.
I'm exhausted because I'm not sleeping well and frustrated because I'm not currently losing weight. I'm not gaining but I'm not really losing either.
Life is rough and I'm struggling.
Again, I'm trying to share as honestly as possible. I'm receiving a crazy amount of email lately from struggling parents with no idea what to do, and feeling very much alone. I totally get that and if I can share my personal struggles, it helps them to feel better because it shows them they aren't as alone as they feel.
I've got a backlog of parents needing help or just wanting to talk. I'm trying to get to everyone but I'm struggling myself and so I'm not super efficient at the moment.
If you're waiting on a reply, please be patient. I'm trying very hard to get back to everyone. I'm about a dozen emails behind today alone.
Just so we're clear, I know I'll be okay. It may not be tomorrow or the next day but I'm not a quitter and I'll find the strength to keep moving forward. It doesn't always feel like that but I'll make it happen.
Please have a great night. Wear a mask, wash your hands and social distance. Stay safe. Be smart and take care of each other.
