Last night was really bad. Gavin had a massive blowout about 12:30 am. What happened matters less than what triggered it.
Ever since Gavin was little, he has not been able to tolerate making mistakes. There are times when he makes a mistake and can brush it but majority of the time, mistakes lead to self-injurious meltdowns.
Truthfully, I don't really know what to call these episodes. I don't know that they qualify as actual meltdowns and I'd prefer not to mislable them because it sends the wrong message.
It might be more accurate to say that Gavin loses his temper. I think that's a fair way to describe what happens. Everyone loses their temper from time to time and that's not a problem in and of itself. The issue is more that Gavin will not allow himself to be human and make mistakes. He's way too hard on himself.
I bet we could avoid 95% of these outbursts if he would allow himself to make mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes and personally, I'm the King of Mistakes but we have to accept that we're not perfect, learn from them and move forward. In Gavin's case, there's some type of roadblock in his way.
By the time I lose patience with him, it has nothing to do with the mistake he made but rather his reaction to making it.
He's 20 years old now and when a 20 year old loses his temper and acts like an angry 5 year old, it's problematic. Obviously, Gavin is cognitively and emotionally delayed, so 5 year old type reactions are kinda the norm for him and that's okay. It's not his fault and don't blame him for that.
At the same time, it's fucking exhausting. It's difficult to process seeing a grown man act this way.
Anyway, I need to find a way to help Gavin better manage his emotions and I think if he could just accept that he's going to make mistakes, that would eliminate most of the problem. I am going to try using Mightier with him as well.
The reason I haven't done this prior is because Gavin's heart rate is elevated on a regular basis due to his autonomic issues. I'm going to try again anyway and see if this will help him the way it helps Emmett and so many other kids struggling to emotionally self-regulate.
I'm also going to put up reminders around the house that say something like making mistakes is okay. Gavin is very visual and reminders have been helpful in the past.
I was overwhemled last night because it was late and the entire event was absolutely unnecessary. Elliott was trying to be peace maker and Emmett was hiding under a chair. That's not okay. I have to do better and it's much harder when I'm on my own because I can't rely on any physical backup.
I could have absolutely handled things better but I didn't. I raised my voice to Gavin, which is often necessary to get his attention but it's not the same thing as yelling at him. It serves a different purpose. Unfortunately, to his brothers, it's indistinguishable from yelling and so it was like Gavin was screaming and I was yelling.
I tried to explain to them that I had to raise my voice to Gavin because sometimes it's the only thing that will snap him out of it. I don't understand it fully but it's like his brain is a skipping vinyl record and needle needs to be moved so it can continue to play. There isn't much that will do that for him. Raising my voice is the only thing that works when reasoning calmly fails.
Bottomline, I need more patience and I don't know where to find it.
