I really wish I had the energy to write more but the reality is, I don't. It's not even a close call either. I'm really trying to push myself because writing is so important to me for a million reasons but one of the biggest is that it's a form of therapy.
Without writing, I tend to carry a ton of shit around that isn't healthy.
My goal is to write at least once a day. I feel like that's very realistic. It's a far cry from what I used to do but it's better than giving up.
I'm starting tonight, even though I'm exhausted and wanting to crash, I want to get some writing done, because I'm hoping it will help me to sleep.
There were many challenges today, with Gavin in particular. My stress level is simply out of control and it physically feels like my chest is being crushed. I'm having anxiety attacks. The kids aren't privy to that because I'm able to remove myself most of the time.
Anxiety attacks for me are very much internal and I'm pretty good at maintaining outward appearances, so as not to freak out the kids but it's not easy and absolutely exhausting.
Today was pretty bad and I needed to spend some time in my room, just trying to collect myself. A large portion of this is related to Gavin right now. It's not his fault and I'm not angry with him. What I am, is overwhelmed by his behavioral challenges.
I'm running low on patience with many things right now and Gavin is requiring more patience than I have. It's as simple as that.
The details are too much to get into right now and it's overwhelming just thinking about it. Gavin is a fantastic human being and I will just say that the issues are more related to his thought process. He's not a threat or a danger to himself or anyone else. He struggles a bit more right now but who among us isn't? I mean seriously.
Anyway, what I wanted to focus on tonight was sharing some positive news.
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For the first time of 56 days, I was able to get the kids to the garden center for a little while. Everyone was nervous and Gavin was on the verge of losing it because he's so afraid of getting sick. I've explained how it works to him but he's not really grasping the basic concept of how COVID19 works.
That said, he did really well and we spent about 10 or 15 minutes walking around. We wore masks, as everyone *should *be doing and we were only able to go because there wasn't anyone else around.
There were people at the park and in the parking lot of the garden center, none of whom were social distancing or wearing masks. I'll be honest, and say that kinda pisses me off. Say whatever you want but we're on lockdown in Ohio until at least June. Some businesses are allowed to reopen as well but at limited capacity. The stay at home order is in full effect and social distancing, as well as masks are vital to this process.
It's very frustrating to see people not taking this seriously and ignoring the guidelines we're all supposed to follow.
To be clear, I'm not talking about essential workers or the other selfless heros who are risking their lives to help others. I'm talking about people meeting up with friends and hanging out. I'm talking people in my neighborhood having constant traffic in and out of their homes. Large groups of older kids roaming the streets. All these people are putting the rest of us at risk and I feel it's pretty fucking selfish.
Back on point here.
We were able to get out for a little while today and while it was short lived, it was a taste of normalcy.
I'm not sure how soon we'll attempt this again because Gavin really wants nothing to do with it. I'm glad we had the opportunity and I'm so proud of my kids for wearing their masks and doing their part.
Our short trip was just enough to breakup the day a bit and reduce some of the stress. That's a very important thing and I'm grateful it worked out. It feels good to give my kids a little bit of normalcy in an otherwise chaotic situation.
