I wanted to share something that happened recently. There's so much going on that sorta drowns out moments like these.
The other day, Elliott was digging through some drawers and he found a very special piece of my past. I don't talk about it much because it doesn't really matter anymore and truthfully, it sometimes makes me sad to remember all I gave up.
The picture above shows my old uniform shirt from when I was a fire medic. I haven't seen it in I don't know how long.
For those that don't know, when I met my soon to be ex-wife (I fucking hate saying that but I don't know how else to say it anymore), I was just finishing up medic school and already working at the fire department.
I'm so proud to have been a fire medic and lucky to have been a part of something so important. It's been a long time since I gave it up and frankly, I still miss it. If I had the chance to hop into the back of an ambulance, and run calls again, it would be really hard to turn down.
I don't often pat myself on the back because I don't think very highly of myself but I was fucking good at my job. I received awards for my management of major traumas and other things. There are a great many people alive today because of my actions. Back then, this gave my life purpose.
Walking away from that life to become a full time caregiver was one of the hardest things I've ever done.
You can read through the earlier posts to better understand some of the reasons that decision was necessary but for now, just know it was.
Seeing my old shirt brought back so many memories, so I wish I could forget. I experienced things during that time in my life that I've never been able to shake. There were lives I couldn't save and images that will never leave me. I'm actually starting to dig into some of this at therapy because I've carried a great of pain and guilt for far too long.
I wish I could have been able manage both parts of my life in a way that didn't require me to make a choice of one or the other.
At the end of the day, I made my choice and I can live with it. Sometimes, it becomes necessary to give up one dream in order to attain another. For me, I gave up my career in order to be what my family needed me to be.
I would never give up my family for anything. While being a fire medic is in my blood, part of who I am and I do miss it, there's more to me than this one part. I've been able to be in my kids life every single day. Being a Dad is a privilege and an awesome responsibility. It's something I take very seriously and I would give up anything for my kids. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for them.
I've found ways to make a difference and be the Dad my kids need me to be. This blog is testiment to that.
Writing allows me to help people and be the full time caregiver/Dad my kids need me to be. I'd choose my family over a career a million times over. While it's true that I miss parts of my old life, and finding this shirt reminded me how much I miss it, I have absolutely no regrets.
It's not been easy but at the end of my life, I can look back and know that I was always there for my kids. I was able to watch them grow up every single day. I was able to be there for everything and I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world.
It's crazy how something like Elliott rummaging through some drawers and finding a shirt, can take me back in time.
I can now look at this shirt, remember what it means, spend time in the memories and smile, rather than be sad.
