I'm so burned out today. I did an interview this afternoon with St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital and I was a bit nervous about that. I think it went well and I should have that for you all in a couple of weeks, maybe soon. It all depends on how I manage the schedule.
We're on day 52 of lockdown and it's fair to say that it getting to all of us at this point.
I tried getting the kids to leave the house and while Elliott and Emmett were on board, Gavin flat out refused. We're in a situation where we all go or no one goes. There is no chance that I would leave Gavin home alone, unmedicated and in the middle of a global pandemic. I don't feel comfortable forcing him to go because his fear is well founded. We ended up not going anywhere and that was frustrating.
Finding some kind of functional routine is proving to be very, very difficult. The kids are resistant to any further changes but without a routine, they are going to continue to struggle more than may be necessary.
Autistic kids thrive on routine. They need a rigid structure in their life, regardless of whether or not they say they want it. Structure and routine provide predictability, comfort and sense of security for them. It can also make life a bit more manageable for parents as well.
I just cannot get a routine to stick and I think that it's largely my fault. I'm struggling with depression so motivation and I are not good friends. I'm exhausted and implementing something as significant as a new routine, requires a great deal of everything that I don't currently have in stock.
I feel like we're just sorta floating along and not getting anything done. That's incredibly frustrating because I need to make some progress in this area.
It's not all bad. As I'm writing this, Elliott and Emmett are playing with Legos together on the living room floor. There's no fighting and Elliott is actually engaging with his little brother in a positive way. That's something that has been more challenging lately. He's at that age where he wants to be more independent and not necessarily hanging out with his family.
For the last couple of days, Elliott and Emmett have been digging holes in the yard. They discovered that about twelve inches down, they can find clay. They've decided to *harvest and process *the clay in order to make it usable. I've no clue if this is going to work out and I'm not a fan of huge holes in my yard but I can fix that. They've researched this process and are working together on something constructive. I'm looking at this as a win. ☺
Gavin continues to talk incessantly and that's proving to be very challenging for me. I'm trying to be as patient as possible but after 52 days of burning the candle at both ends, I'm coming up short. I end up giving him all I have left and that puts me further into the hole.
Not having a break from any of this is not easy. Not having a partner to physically share the load is not easy. Knowing that for the foreseeable future, none of this is going to change, is demoralizing. Even if they reopen Ohio, we will still have to lockdown until we have a working vaccine. Gavin cannot afford to get sick. I don't know what else I'm supposed to do.
I'm overwhelmed. I'm exhausted and I'll be completely honest with you. I'm lonely. My life is devoid of adult contact and I was still adjusting to life without my wife before all of this. I was trying to get out and be around family as often as I could because it was a great distraction. I haven't even been in the same room as another adult in 52 days. You'd be surprised how difficult that can be.
Anyway, my brain is shutting down and I need to seize the opportunity to sleep while I can.
If this feels a little scattered, it's likely because I've been working on this throughout the day. I kept getting interrupted or pulled away and it took me until 1am to finally publish this.
