The boys and I have been on lockdown for a total of 50 days today. When you think about that, it's crazy. 50 days of not going anywhere and not having contact with anyone outside of ourselves.
I feel Ike this is a pretty big milestone and we should recognize that.
It's not uncommon for me to beat myself up for my shortcomings, of which I feel there are many. Things are challenging and I believe I should be doing better. I can't tell you how many times I feel like I'm failing my kids. Those feeling will probably always be there, at least to some degree.
The truth is, my job is difficult and the reality is, all things considered, I'm sorta kicking ass.
It's not perfect because I'm not perfect but there were four of us when we went into lockdown on March 6th and there are four of us 50 days later. I'm guiding three Autistic kids, including one who's immunocompromised, through a global health crisis. As I said, all things considered, I'm doing a pretty fucking awesome job.
I'm not accomplishing everything I'd like to, especially in regards to work. Bringing in an income is very challenging right now. That being said, I've managed to keep my kids safe and healthy during the worst global pandemic of the last century. That has to count for something. I should definitely give myself some points for that.
Here's the thing. I tend to focus on my failures and less on my accomplishments. I've always struggled with low self-esteem and depression. Those two things make seeing the positive in myself much more difficult for me. Factor in the pandemic and the negative internal dialog is brutal.
I'm trying very hard not to be dragged underwater. I'm working to focus only on the facts and the facts show that my kids are fed, clothed, loved, protected, safe, healthy and supported in every way possible. Sometimes, that's all I can do and that has to be okay. Losing sight of just how important those things are is a mistake.
We've clearly established that I'm not perfect and in fact, feel like a parenting failure most of the time. Making mistakes and having very real, human limitations is just part of the gig.
I'm bringing this to your attention because I worry that many of you may be falling into the same trap. Please try to focus on the positive. Recognize your accomplishments and pat yourself on the back. I know it's hard to do right now, because I struggle with it myself but it's important.
We can work on this together and remind each other when necessary.
The first 50 days of COVID19 lockdown have taught me that while I'm far from perfect, I'm much stronger than I give myself credit for. I could have given up and just not taken this seriously because it was too hard. That would have been the path of least resistance and sometimes that path can be quite an attractive option, especially when things are so difficult.
That being said, I'm still here. I'm still taking care of my kids. I haven't completely lost my mind and neither have any of my kids.
At the end of the day, the most important goal is to make it through this and to do so safely. So far, I'm on target to meet that goal.
Please learn from my mistakes. Cut yourself some slack. Give yourself a break when and where you can. Stay home. Stay smart. Stay safe. ☺
