I'm not going to sugar coat this folks. I'm really struggling right now. We've been on lockdown since March 6th, when Elliott got sick and was diagnosed with Influenza B. That just sorta rolled into the COVID19 lockdown and we're only just beginning this journey.
The boys are on edge and I'm not sure how to really help them with that, aside from keeping them distracted and that's proving to be a challenge.
In front of the kids, I'm a rock, but not so deep down inside, I'm freaking the fuck out. I'm sure that the kids have picked up on that to some extent but I go to exhaustive lengths to hide that from them. It's well, pretty damn exhausting.
I'm trying to balance a million different things right now. Striking a balance between preparedness and paranoia is not as easy as it sounds, especially when one of your kids is immunocompromised. This leaves me with very little margin for error. There's really no other responsible choice in my view but total lockdown. It's the best way we can protect Gavin, and ourselves, as well as everyone else out there.
Trying to get the kids to do their school work is worse than pulling teeth, whatever that amounts to. I'm so stressed out, overwhemled and exhausted that I really don't have any shits left to give about school work. If that makes me a bad parent, so be it. That doesn't mean I'm not working to make it happen, it just means that if push comes to shove, I'm going to say, *fuck the homework.*
Hopefully, it doesn't come down to that.
I'm dealing with mini anxiety attacks throughout the the day and I'm not sleeping well. I'm worried about my kids and what we're going to do. How long can we make our food last? How can I better rise to the occasion? How can I continue to bring money in so I can provide for my family? What happens if I get sick? What happens if one of my kids get sick? What happens if worst case scenario, Gavin gets sick?
Another question weighing quite heavy is *can I actually do this alone?*
I'm struggling with selfcare right now because depression is currently wiping the floor with me. This COVID19 pandemic is like rocket fuel for depression and that has at least temporarily changed the balance of power in regards to my emotional health.
Not to sound cliché but *the struggle is real.*
It's taken me 3 goddam days to write this post. I'm hoping that I have the strength to get through this. I'm grateful for my extensive training and experience as a medic and first responder because that does provide an element of advantage but I don't think many people are actually prepared for the shit storm that the combination of Covid-19 and Trumps complete incompetence have caused.
Life is never going to be the same and we have to be able to adapt unfortunately, it's very difficult for Autistic kids to make these adaptations but it's my job as a parent to do whatever I can to aide them in process.
At the end of the day, all I can control is how I chose to respond to this crisis. I'm working very hard to overcome the obstacles in my path, whether they be physical or emotional.
To add just a little more pizazz to an already nightmarish situation, I was just summoned for jury duty. Fucking jury duty. This is only the second time in my life that I've been summoned and it just happens to be literally be at the worst time imaginable.
While I would normally be happy to fulfill my civic duty, I will be asking for an exemption. I'm a single Dad to 3 Special Needs kids and my oldest is medically fragile. All they have is me right now and as their full time caregiver, can't leave them. Not to mention the risk of exposure to Gavin.
I don't foresee this as being a huge problem but I'm jumping on it immediately and will draft a letter today, as well as call the jury commission on Monday. My hands are tied right now and I cannot leave. Hopefully, they will exempt me and I can continue to care for my kids.
Outside of that, I'm working on an episode with Emmett. I wanted to give him a chance to express how this whole lockdown situation is impacting him. Hopefully, that will be out later today.
Please stay safe. Stay healthy. Be smart. Be prepared. Try not to panic.
