I had a nice chat with my Dad this afternoon. I called to see how he was doing because he's been sick. He's sorta feeling better but now my Mom is sick. We only spent a few minutes on the phone but I sorta unloaded a bit and it was something I really needed to do.
I get so caught up in everything that is demanded of me, I don't see how much I'm personally struggling.
I'm exhausted, overwhelmed and massively fucking depressed. The truth is, I'm absolutely lost and I don't know how to find my way home. I'm somewhat going through the motions each day, but I'm dropping the ball in all areas of my life. I just can't keep up.
In my opinion, I'm failing my kids in a million different ways. Far too many ways to list but here's a few of the big ones.
The house is falling apart around me. It needs some serious work and by work, I mean repairs. The kids have long since outgrown the house and with the exception of Gavin, no one has their own space. This is creating problems between Elliott and Emmett.
As I'm sitting in bed writing this, Emmett is curled up next to me and I had to turn up the sleep sounds to drown out the sound of gunfire from somewhere near by. I can't tell where exactly because the sound echos off the houses around me, making it impossible to discern how close it actually is. I hate that my kids can tell the difference between gunfire and fireworks. It's my job to protect them from that. Emmett's asleep next to me because 99.9% of the time, he still won't sleep in his own bed.
Elliott is shutting out the world and Emmett is struggling so much that he can't manage school, making home instruction our only option.
The list goes on and on. The reality is that I can't seem to move us forward. I can't seem to get the proverbial car, back on the road. My kids deserve so much better than this, better than me.
I know that depression is kicking my ass and heavily influencing my emotional state. I'm taking my meds, going to therapy and walking as often as I can get away. I just lack the resources to manage all of this stuff. I feel isolated, alone and very much in over my head.
Depression is weighing me down and I can't seem to fight back hard enough to break free of its grasp.
I'm very focused on this upcoming trip because while it's an amazing opportunitt, the kids desperately need to get away from all the shit going on in our lives. I desperately need to get away from all the shit as well. We need to walk away from our troubles for just a little while, spend some time together as a family, make memories, give back and find a renewed since of strength that will help to propel us forward.
Right now, I'm reduced to living hour by hour. It's not as bad as minute by minute but it's bad enough.
We really need to catch a break and find our footing. I need to be a better leader, so I can guide us though the storm and towards a brighter day.
