I'm feeling incredibly overwhelmed and frustrated tonight. The boys have been at each other's throats all day and there were a few times where I was very close to reaching the end of my rope.
Emmett is incredibly impulsive right now and it's difficult to manage that behavior at the moment. Elliott has a very, very short fuse and an opinion about everything. Between the two right now, there's a constant barrage of challenging situations to navigate.
Gavin is doing pretty well and that's obviously a good thing. He's talking incessantly but that's par for the course with him.
As for me, I'm really struggling. I'm stressed out, overwhemled, frustrated, heartbroken and confused about much of what's happened. I'm in therapy every Tuesday afternoon and while I enjoy going, I'm not sure how much progress I'm making. I'm so focused on the kids that I'm not really dealing with my own grief. I'm trying to get my head on straight but it's tough sometimes.
There are so many fears I have about the future and some of them are probably pretty selfish on my part. I'm very worried that I'm going to live the rest of my life alone. I know I will always have my kids and for that I'm absolutely grateful. I'm just someone who's likes companionship and I fear that part of my life is over. That's very upsetting for me.
I know I have my haters out there who feel I believe I'm perfect, but that couldn't be farther from the truth. I'm the person who feels that I'm never good enough. I don't think I'm even almost perfect and anyone who truly knows me, knows that. I've always struggled with low self-esteem and something like divorce kicks those feelings into overdrive. I feel rejected and unwanted. It's hard to have your life turned upside down, especially when it's completely unexpected.
The idea of ever dating anyone is really scary. Trusting someone again is going to be very hard for me. I can't even picture myself dating because I had put that part of my life behind me. I'm trying very hard to not give up on myself. That said, I have recently been looking at a dating app, not because I'm ready to do that but because I'm trying to prove to myself that my life, in that regard, isn't over. Honestly, going through the app has kinda freaked me out because it's been so long and the idea of entering that world again is terrifying.
I don't have time for that stuff right now anyway but I figure, when I'm ready, I'll be ready. I just need to remind myself that all is not lost.
I'm sure this sounds rather pathetic and sad but it's the truth and I won't hide from it. Maybe guys are supposed to tougher than that? Perhaps we aren't supposed to admit these things? I've always sorta marched to the beat of my own drum and perhaps this is no different.
We've have a great deal going on and I'm spread pretty thin. Life is not easy right now but it's definitely worth it. We do have much to be grateful for and many things to look forward to. Our Florida trip is coming up and the information we bring back can help encourage other businesses to work on becoming more inclusive as well. The kids are really looking forward to this, especially returning to Give Kids The World. They are so excited to stop at all the state borders and take pictures.
I'm overwhelmed, frustrated and scared but I love my life. I love the people in my life and I'm hopeful that 2020 is going to prove to be a really good year for the kids and me.
