I've been feeling very positive so far this year. We were able to get the house mostly caught up and more importantly, we're maintaining it. This is the first time I can honestly say this, since we've been on our own. Maybe that doesn't sound super impressive but I feel really good about it.
Despite the positive, I'm struggling right now. My kids are struggling and I'm worried about them. I won't go into the details but Emmett is struggling more now than he ever has in his entire life. He wants me to pull him out of school and homeschool him. He's not sleeping well and when he does, it's filled with nightmares. His nightmares are really fucked up because he feels pain in his dreams and actually dies, multiple times every night. He's usually eaten alive by something, brought back to life and eaten again. He says he can't wake himself up and he feels everything.
I don't even know what to say to that. I can't even begin to imagine what that's like for him.
He's struggling with out of control thoughts that he can't seem to silence and it's driving him crazy to the point that he will just stop functioning. Apparently, it gets worse when he's at school.
The school is aware of exactly what's going on with him and they are being unbelievably supportive. Emmett barely made it to school this morning and couldn't make it past 9:30 AM. This is something that he's not faking and it's very obvious to everyone involved. Emmett absolutely loves school and for him not to want to go because he can't distract himself from his thoughts and therefore not focus on anything, speaks to just how real this struggle is for him. He's having these mini-anxiety attacks thoughout the day and there's almost no comforting him.
It's absolutely awful and completely fucking heartbreaking to see him going through this. I'm totally lost as to how to help him and I have two appointments for him this week that will hopefully produce a direction to go in at the very least. Both of these doctors are aware of what's going on but haven't seen him since it's gotten significantly worse.
Emmett and Elliott are both being treated for PTSD and abandonment issues. It's an uphill slog but at least some progress is being made. Elliott seems to be doing better but only because he's cutting himself off emotionally from everyone in his life. This is a move made out of self-preservation and a lack of coping skills.
In the case of Emmett, I consider the fact that he's finally opening up and talking about how he feels, as progress. I know I've got the bar set pretty low right now but I'm desperately trying to find the positive here.
If Gavin is struggling with things, he's presenting very differently. Gavin has been completely emotionless about the current state of his family. According to him, he has simply accepted things and isn't bothered by them. Whether that's true or not, I can't say. I can say that I don't think he's really noticed the change and he definitely doesn't understand why the boys and I have been so sad about all that's happened. I get it and I know that's totally a Gavin thing but at the same time, it's difficult to deal with, especially for the boys. They don't understand him and he very much doesn't understand them. It's creating problems but none of them have an ounce of malice in their hearts. Autism complicates things.
Gavin has been driving me crazy because he's completely oblivious to everything going on around him. I'm to the point where I don't want to take him anywhere because he's walking in front of moving cars and not paying attention to where he is in relation to other people. I have to constantly be on him, not because he's frustrating the shit out of me but rather for his own safety. I have to protect him from himself.
His big thing right now is that he stares at the ground while he's walking. I know that's pretty common in Autistic kids but it's become a more significant issue lately and outside of the house, he requires constant attention.
Most of those are only really safety concerns outside the house, he's still pretty functional at home, at least for him. I'm so proud of the progress he's making in his book and how he's began illustrating it this afternoon. He's such a good kid, I'm just spread so thin as it is and having to pour extra time and energy into him, simply to keep him from walking into traffic, is fucking exhausting.
It's not his fault and while I'm frustrated, I'm not even slightly angry with him. It's my job to get us through this and I often find that I'm not strong enough to do it at all, let alone gracefully.
I'm in a state of constant worry because as much experience as I have, as much as I love them and even with all the professional help we have, I'm still unable to significantly help them. I'm totally fucking lost. I'm heartbroken and would give anything to take away their pain.
