While talking with a new friend of mine recently, I was reminded of something I've lost sight of in recent months and perhaps even recent years. We were discussing selfcare and the possibility of working together on something for Autism Awareness Month this year.
We were coming at this from slightly different perspectives but I was challenged to step outside my normal way of viewing things and I gained a very unique perspective from someone I have a tremendous amount of respect for.
While I was on this thought journey, I was reminded of the importance of recognizing our limits. Something I have been forgetting lately is that I'm only human and therfore burdened by my very human limits. I tend to have this view of myself that says I can't make mistakes, especially when it comes to my kids and that my kids deserve better than my best. While it's true that my kids deserve the very best, I need to remember that I'm often putting unrealistic expectations on myself, expectations that my kids certainly don't have.
The other day, I became frustrated with Emmett and yelled at him. He was not listening, pretty much out of control and driving me absolutely fucking crazy. After a few unsuccessful controlled attempts to sorta reign him in a bit, I lost my patience and raised my voice to him. I'm not belittling or tearing him down in any way but I yelled at him and I don't like doing that.
Is it Emmett's fault for not listening or my fault for not having enough patience with him?
The reality is that Emmett was being a kid with Autism, AHDH and extremely high levels of anxiety. None of that is his fault and I never blame him for that. Sure, he could make better choices in some cases but the truth is, he's a kid dealing with things I couldn't even begin to imagine. Frankly, I don't know how he does it. He was behaving in a way that was very characteristic of a child dealing with some of these challenges. I was behaving like a parent who was in over their head.
After I cooled off, I sat him down and apologized for losing control. I explained that I had been frustrated and while I needed to address some of his behaviors, I should not have yelled at him. I further explained that even grownups make mistakes and it's important that we own them when we do.
Mr. Emmett forgave me very quickly but I haven't forgiven myself.
Did I do anything wrong? Not really. I raised my voice to my 11 year old son. I'm not proud of it but I have impossibly high standards set for myself and when I feel I fuck up or let mt kids down, I absolutely beat the shit out of myself.
I need to remember that I'm only human and parenting in general is hard. When you add to that things like Autism, ADHD, severe anxiety and depression, you sorta find yourself in a whole different universe of parenting challenges. Pointing that out is not meant to pass the blame onto my kids or give me a free pass to lose my temper. What's it's meant to do is help me maintain perspective. I have the absolute honor of raising three amazing, beautiful, brilliant, creative, empathetic, compassionate and kind human beings. At the same time, these little humans can very much push me to the ends of my very real human limits. That's just the reality I live in.
It's not perfect and it's often messy but I'm an okay parent, doing my very best I can for the three people I love more than life itself. I'm going to make mistakes and that's okay. It's important that I own them, learn from them and apply those lessons to future events, so as to avoid making the same mistakes again. It's also very important that I learn to forgive myself when I make mistakes.
After the very insightful discussion this weekend with my new friend, I was reminded of something I was quoted for saying a few years ago.
I'm not a perfect parent but I'm the perfect person to parent my kids.
I hope this helps you guys remember to forgive yourself for making mistakes and recognize the fact that while all of our circumstances are different, we're all human.
