It's been a particularly difficult Christmas this year. The kids have been having a rough time, and if I'm completely honest, I'm running low on patience. It's not their fault, and at the same time, it's not my fault I'm struggling as well.
The boys are sad, angry, and have been sick for a month. It's the first Christmas since their mom left, and it's been a very emotional one.
Everyone had a great time celebrating Christmas with their mom and grandparents. I'm so happy they had that. It's incredibly important to me and I'm so glad they had it.
We had a good Christmas here as well, but it was very emotional, and they were very overwhelmed. I should specify that Gavin was not experiencing these problems because he's accepted the situation for what it is and doesn't question anything about this at all. I've said this before, but he exists in blissful ignorance and more power to him. It's frustrating and sometimes even hurtful because he doesn't understand why the boys and I are hurting. That is creating some problems and tension between him and his brothers.
Elliott and Emmett are not wrapped in that same warm blanket that Gavin is, and they have been struggling. Emmett, in particular, has been furious and prone to rage. He's not hurting himself or anyone else, but there's a lot of screaming and hitting things. Lot's of meltdowns and questions that I cannot answer. On the positive side of things, he's beginning to open up about his feelings, and that helps me to help him. As a side note, art therapy has proven very beneficial.
I know my kids are in pain, and a significant holiday only reminds them of all that they've lost this year. It doesn't help that they have been cooped up in the house for so long, sick, and miserable.
My goal is to have one of Emmett's friends come over next week. He's excited about that, and so am I. I wanted to do the same for Elliott, but his way of dealing with his pain is to cut all social interactions, and he'd rather be in his room alone than be around other people. It's concerning, but it's also closely monitored. He's at that age where this wouldn't be uncommon, so I'm just keeping an eye on him for now.
Gavin is working on his book, but I'm trying to find him some time outside the house. Truth be told, he's driving me crazy. The constant talking and repeated questions are just like nails on a chalkboard at this point. He doesn't realize he's doing this, and he means no harm, but the impact is felt by anyone in the same place as he is for any length of time. I had to shut him down a few times while visiting family today. They're all so patient with him, but not everyone else in the world will be, and he has to learn.
I think part of the problem is that he talks at you and not with you. When he talks at you, it's a one way conversation. He's not listening or picking up on anything the other person is saying or doing. It's all about whatever he wants to talk about, which is usually video games.
We kept our visit short because I haven't slept well in over a week. Last night I was unable to sleep due to restless leg, and we had to be up early to have brunch at my parent's house. It's was an enjoyable visit, but I was so exhausted, I didn't eat much and just wanted to come home and crash.
When we got home, the boys played video games and I collapsed on by bed for a few hours. I don't like doing this but it was a survival thing by that point.
We had a relatively quiet evening. Gavin freaked out a couple of times over whatever he thought he had done wrong. He and Emmett got into it a little as well. Gavin handled it well. Emmett became very frustrated with him and lashed out verbally. I intervened to prevent it from escalating further. Typically, Gavin is very patient with his brothers, but I helped them work it out, and Emmett apologized.
Truthfully, it was less about Gavin and more about Emmett just being in a rough place. Gavin just happened to be what set him off.
The boys wanted to have a *brother's night* in the living room, and I'm going to let them. They need some normalcy, and frankly, if they're getting along, I want to encourage that. It's hard for me to back off sometimes because they all have their challenges, and I feel like I need to continually protect them. While there is truth to that, and I know many Autism parents would probably agree, I also need to let them grow up as well. It's a tough balance but one that I'm working on.
I'm glad to see that they are getting along at this point, even if it's because they're playing video games or watching movies all night. It's Christmas break, and they need to be kids. We have nothing going on tomorrow, and I'm using it as a day of recovery from everything.
I have an podcast episode to edit down and I'm undecided as to whether or not I will have this be the last episode of season 2 or the first episode of season 3. I don't really feel up to getting it ready by Friday, but I need to pay the bills, and we have a big trip coming up. I need all the help I can get with that, but that's a discussion for another post.
I hope all of you had a great holiday, regardless of the holiday you're celebrating. We all deserve to be happy and wish you all nothing but the best.
