Twice today, I've been called out for not being honest about how I'm doing. My amazing Mother was the first one, and a few hours later, my therapist became the second. I wanted to talk about this briefly and ask you to take a second, do a self-inventory and see if maybe this applies to you as well.
Basically, I was called out for not being honest about how I'm doing. People ask me all the time how I'm doing and with the exception of a very few people, on rare occasions, I generally politely reply that *I'm doing good*.
I get away with that because most people don't look beneath the surface. They don't really see that sometimes when I say *I'm okay*, I'm only saying that to make the conversation move forward. They don't pick up on the fact that I'm anything but okay and I either don't know how to say it or I don't want to burden them with my problems.
My Mother called me out in this this morning while we were walking. It kinda caught me off guard and led to a lengthy conversation that let her better see how I'm really doing.
A few hours later, I was in therapy and my therapist called me out in a similar way, catching me off guard once again.
Both times I wasn't really intentionally hiding anything, it was just easier to say everything is fine, even though that's not the case. The truth is, afraid to say that I'm really struggling right now. I feel like I'm drowning and have nowhere to go.
2019 has been among the most difficult year of my life. I lost my last two grandparents a few months apart. My marriage ended about 2 weeks before my birthday and 3 weeks before our 16th anniversary. I was completely blindsided and it shattered me in ways that I'm not sure can be put back together. Grieving is very difficult when I'm the sole caretaker of our 3 children with special needs. I work very hard to shield them from my grief but it's challenging because the kids and I basically found out at the same time and my reaction was very raw. They know I'm hurting and as much as I try to hide that, they worry about me.
I don't want my kids dealing with adult issues and I'm doing my best.
I've spent the last few months seeing how heartbroken my kids are. Every single day, I hurt for them and I can't do anything about it. Some are dealing better than others but Elliott and Emmett have been traumatized once again and it's impacting every aspect of their lives.
I have to keep moving forward because that's the best thing I can do for my kids. I'm exhausted, overwhelmed and desperately in need of a break for all this shit. All 4 of us need a break from all this shit. Everywhere we look, there are memories or reminders of all that's transpired and it sucks.
I'm trying so hard to stay the course because it's my job to guide my kids through this dark tunnel and out the other side. I'm focusing on my work as much as possible and trying to improve our lives where I can.
Depression is absolutely kicking my ass and that makes everything so much more challenging for me. Writing is hard because thinking is hard and I'm so easily frustrated with my growing podcast because my house is not conducive to quality recording. My equipment is good but my environment is far from ideal. It's frustrating to the point I feel like quiting but I can't because it's helping me feed my kids and it's an outlet for me.
My takeaway from today is that I need to be honest about how I really doing and be more in touch with how I'm really doing. I need help but how can anyone help if they don't know I need it? I'm going to be working very hard to be more open about where I'm at, especially with family and close friends. Shutting people out is not the answer.
The whole fucking point of this post is to A) be honest about where I am and B) get you to do a self-inventory. I hope that you can look at your own life and evaluate whether or not you're doing the same thing I am? Perhaps if you are doing the same thing, becoming more cognizant of that might help.
Do you tell others you're fine when you're really not? Why do you think you do that?
