The kids have been a handful, all day long. They're feeling better and should be back to school in the AM. I'm having a hard time falling asleep tonight because the stress of everything is weighing heavy.
I feel like the house is falling apart all around me. I'm having a very difficult time focusing on anything right now. That's probably at least partially related to depression.
I had to cancel my therapist today because the kids were home sick. She's out of the office next week so it's going to be awhile before I can get back in. I didn't get to walk today either and that impacts my mood and overall demeanor as well.
If I were trying to raise my kids alone in a vacuum, it would be extremely difficult. As it stands, we don't exist in a vacuum and all the shit going on around us makes everything worse. I'm feeling defeated and very much like a failure. My kids deserve so much better.
Poor Gavin just seems lost at times. He's more easily confused and as a result, he's *constantly *asking questions. That wouldn't be so bad if he didn't then beat himself up for not knowing the answers. Gavin had a emotional breakdown a week or so ago and it was pretty bad. He's stressed out because the kids are fighting. He's upset that the boys are angry with their mother for leaving. He doesn't understand why they can't just let it go.
The thing with Gavin is that he doesn't actually show when he's stressed out. I have to pay close attention to his behaviors instead and it's far from an exact science.
The boys are frustrated with Gavin because he shows no emotion about his mom leaving. He blindly believes her reasons for leaving and doesn't question anything. The boys find that very frustrating, especially when Gavin feels the need to defend his mom from their harsh but true words.
As for me, I'm hanging on by a thread.
I need a fucking maid to help me get the house caught up and significantly more energy than I have to maintain it. I walk around hating the house because it needs so much work or repairs. Last week alone we had two major events involving law enforcement within feet of my house. It's scary and unfortunately, moving has been pushed way down the list because I had to take on a large (at least for me) car payment. What's worse than a pipe dream? That's about what my chances are of getting out of this house.
It's not all bad. I'm doing well with the podcast, and have interviews booked out for weeks. That's awesome because I'm gaining new sponsors and that means I'm actually getting paid to do this now. It is frustrating because I don't have an ideal setup and ambient noise is a major issue. My laptop is only a few years old but it's struggling sometimes with the workload I'm putting on it. I really need a solid desktop setup like I used to have. Laptop are convenient but often lack the power needed to run some of the programs I need very efficiently. It can be a bottleneck at times. It's workable but it takes more time right now.
I've got so many requests for interviews I can't keep up. I have to find a way though because my kids need to eat.
There's just so much on my plate anymore and I'm having a really hard time maintaining my sanity.
I know this will pass and life will get better but for right now, I'm drowning. I'm sorry this sounds so depressing but it's my life right now and you come here for honesty, right?
