We've had a busy day and while it's been mostly positive, there are some things that have my stress and anxiety through the roof.
Okay. So the kids had a birthday party this afternoon and it was really nice. Emmett's friend is a sweet kid and his family is pretty amazing as well. It was fun and actual adult company is sorely lacking in my life.
The bad news starts with Elliott dropping his phone at the party and shattering the screen. He's absolutely beside himself and has been in a horrible mood since it happened. He cannot cope with loss right now and this feels like a major loss to him.
The yellow lines run alongside the cracks to show where they are. Some of the cracks are raised, making the edges very sharp.
As I'm writing this, it's almost 11PM and Elliott is still going off about his phone. Emmett's trying to sleep and I'm having to deal with a verbal assault when I'm already beyond my limit.
I've ordered a replacement phone and it will be here Monday or Tuesday but that's not good enough. Elliott is convinced that he's going to lose all his game data. He wants me to just replace the screen and that's just not going to happen.
He's getting a brand new, factory sealed OnePlus 7 Pro through insurance and he's fuming because he doesn't like the idea of change.
He's been telling me over and over that I don't understand him like his mom does.
I get that he's pissed off at the world and he has every right to be. I also know that I'm the only constant in his life and therefore I'm safe to lash out at. While I can take it, it still fucking hurts to hear some of the things he's saying.
Maybe his mom would understand him better but guess what, she left. I'm what he has and I'm doing the best I can to hold everything together for everyone.
I give everyone in my life all that I have but I'm just not enough for anyone and that fucking hurts.
I just got done getting disrespected and talked down to because I *don't get him*. What he wants is something I can't do and nothing I say is getting through to him.
I'm surviving right now but having her thrown in my face fucking hurts.
I don't talk about this to anyone, especially my kids, but guess what, I lost my fucking best friend of 20 years. I lost the person I loved more than anything in the world and literally spent half of my fucking life with. I lost the person I would have died for without a seconds thought. I lost the mother of my children, my parenting partner and the woman I wanted to grow old with.
I fucking lost more than I ever let on, and it hurts every single fucking day.
It feels like so many people in my life are screaming that I'm just not enough, and that fucking hurts. I know Elliott's angry and he's allowed to be but it's hard not to feel like a failure when I can't make things better for him.
Sorry for the rant but I feel like shit right now and I needed to get that out.
I love my kids with all I am and I'm there for them every single day. I'm not angry with any of them for any reason at. I just wish I was better than I am.
