So I’ve been avoiding talking about specifically what caused my marriage to implode and that’s not going to change. Truthfully, there’s a great deal I still don’t understand myself and probably never will. Having said that, I do feel that it’s fair and even important to speak about what I’m personally experiencing as a single parent because there’s others out there going through similar things.
Please don’t read into anything because nothing I say is intended to be subtext.
If you read last night’s post, it was pretty clear that I was not in a good place. I was hurt, frustrated and even a little angry, but not at my kids. Thankfully, today has been a better day thus far.
One of the things I’m struggling with is overcompensation. It’s not something that I’m consciously doing but rather something I’m noticing is happening as time goes on.
In 2014, I became a single parent for the first time. It lasted about 2 years. It was a complete shock to me and I was tested in ways that I never thought possible. I was tasked with raising three special needs kids on my own, while grieving the loss of my marriage. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do but I learned that I was so much stronger than I ever thought I was. We ultimately reconciled and put things back together.
Unfortunately, it happened again this past Summer and I’ve found myself in a place where I’m grieving that same loss. This time it’s more difficult because the kids have been traumatized twice and they are struggling tremendously as a result. They are hurt, angry and scared. Who can blame them.
Last night I was confronted for the first time with one of my kids yelling at me that I don’t understand them like their mom does. That hurt a great deal and triggered this post It f*cking hurts to know that I’m not enough.
I was heartbroken when I went to bed and had a restless nights sleep as a result.
Being mother of two autistic Kids you are a true inspiration for me.
Wait. You assume that what Elliott said is the truth. If I were you, I’d at least weigh the possibility that was a way of lashing out — simply another version of “I hate you!” Which is more like a bludgeon kids pick up and hit people with when they are angry or fearful.
P.s. when I read your blog at the website, there is nothing after 10/13. Might be my browser but I thought you’d want to know.
the same thing happened to me (from the same date also), I was able to fix it somehow although I’m not sure what I did exactly. I could still see the blogs when I clicked through from twitter somehow.
I think you are a safe space for Elliot to act out upon. This is a common reaction to divorce in kids even when you don’t have the autism to contend with as well. It might be true that Lizzie would better understand this particular problem perhaps because she is also autistic but that could be him taking things to a very literal concrete level. This however wouldn’t have changed the outcome of the situation (having to replace the phone) even if she was home and everything was hunky dory. So he would have been upset anyhow.
Thanks Lindsay. You’re correct. I’m very sensitive to all of this and I feel so inadequate as it is. I’m working on it.
As for the post navigation, Dot was right. The posts are all there but the nav buttons were gone. I fixed it. Not sure how long this has been a problem but thanks for point it out.. ☺
Dot,
It’s funny you said that. I was thinking the same thing. This may just be a new version of “I hate you”. That’s very insightful on your part. That’s one of Elliott’s biggest concerns about her leaving. He worries that there will be no one to translate for me. I get where he’s coming from but I think things will be fine. We just need to find our way.
As for the post nav, you were right. The navigation buttons were gone. I fixed it. Not sure how long that’s been a problem but now you can click through like before. Sorry about that but thank you for catching it.. That was a big problem and it was probably hurting traffic. ☺