So I've been avoiding talking about specifically what caused my marriage to implode and that's not going to change. Truthfully, there's a great deal I still don't understand myself and probably never will. Having said that, I do feel that it's fair and even important to speak about what I'm personally experiencing as a single parent because there's others out there going through similar things.
Please don't read into anything because nothing I say is intended to be subtext.
If you read last night's post, it was pretty clear that I was not in a good place. I was hurt, frustrated and even a little angry, but not at my kids. Thankfully, today has been a better day thus far.
One of the things I'm struggling with is overcompensation. It's not something that I'm consciously doing but rather something I'm noticing is happening as time goes on.
In 2014, I became a single parent for the first time. It lasted about 2 years. It was a complete shock to me and I was tested in ways that I never thought possible. I was tasked with raising three special needs kids on my own, while grieving the loss of my marriage. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do but I learned that I was so much stronger than I ever thought I was. We ultimately reconciled and put things back together.
Unfortunately, it happened again this past Summer and I've found myself in a place where I'm grieving that same loss. This time it's more difficult because the kids have been traumatized twice and they are struggling tremendously as a result. They are hurt, angry and scared. Who can blame them.
Last night I was confronted for the first time with one of my kids yelling at me that I don't understand them like their mom does. That hurt a great deal and triggered this post *It f*cking hurts to know that I'm not enough.*
I was heartbroken when I went to bed and had a restless nights sleep as a result.
I've been thinking about it and something occurred to me. Perhaps I'm trying to overcompensate for their mom not living with us anymore. Truthfully, I feel like I understand my kids but it would be very fair to say that I might not understand them the same way their mom does. I'm not sure why hearing that hurt so badly but perhaps I took it wrong.
When he told me that his mom would understand better than I do, it hurt because I'm the one that's still here. I'm giving them absolutely everything I have and I know it's not enough. They see their mom once or twice a week and I know they wish it was more. I also know that I cannot fill the hole that was left by her. Nothing I can or will ever be able to do is going to replace that void in their lives. Is it really so insulting that my kids tell me that basically their mom is different than I am?
Of course we're different. Good or bad, no matter what I do, I could never be her or fill her role the way she did. Why would I keep trying to do that?
I suppose the answer is that I see my kids in pain and I'm trying to be there for them in whatever way they need. I don't handle things the way their mom did/does and that's okay.
Being told that their mom would understand better, is perhaps more a statement of fact and not so much a reference to inadequacy on my part. I already feel I'm not enough and that maybe leaves me a bit more sensitive.
This is a slightly better way to frame things I think and a less painful one as well.
When you are a single parent, I think overcompensation is pretty common. I see my kids in pain and would do anything to make them feel better. A little overcompensation here and a little overcompensation there. I can and need to physically fill the roll of both myself and her but emotionally, I don't think it's possible. I should probably stop trying.
No matter what I do, my kids are still going to hurt as a result of this massive change in our lives. I can't shield them from that. All I can do is be there for them the best way I know how to and that's by being me. I know I'm not always going to be enough but at least I'm trying and rhat needs to be enough for me.
