Gavin is my 19-year-old Autistic son. While he's 19 years old on the outside, he's about 5 or 6 years old on the inside. This presents many challenges for him, many I talk about on this blog.
One of the significant challenges for Gavin is pretty much anything to do with emotion. He's always struggled with emotion, which isn't uncommon for people on the Autism Spectrum.
Gavin has never been able to express himself easily, and that has led to frustration on his part but also our part as well.
Autism is a complicated and misunderstood human condition. In Gavin's case, he also has schizophrenia as well and that further complicates things. He's often out of touch with reality and off fighting battles in another Universe where he's a superhero. Gavin suffers from several life-threatening health conditions, some of which require painful treatment twice a week.
Gavin is someone who never complains and never gives up. He's always trying to help and is just a happy person by nature.
*I thought it was essential to give you a bit of background because you'll need it to put what I'm about to share into context*.
My Grandmother just turned 94 years old. She's the last remaining Grandparent I have, after losing my maternal Grandfather in January of this year.
My paternal Grandmother moved into a local nursing home after it became clear that it was absolutely necessary. It was a very difficult, painful process, and it took her time to adjust. She previously lived out of town and having her local means we get to spend much more time with her.
Unfortunately, she's recently been moved into hospice care as she is declining. It's heartbreaking, and it brings me to tears just writing those words.
My wife and I decided that because of her decline, it would be best for our kids have as much time with her as they can, while she was still doing as well as she is. All three of our kids are Autistic, and managing a situation like this with them is very difficult. Losing a loved one is difficult for any child, but a child with Autism faces many challenges that make dealing with the loss of a loved one incredibly tough to navigate.
Gavin has a long history of making very, very inappropriate or ill-timed statements, and we were a bit nervous about what he would say.
My wife suggested he write down what he wanted to say before they were brought to the nursing home. I was already there, along with several other family members. Lizze's parents had delivered the boys to the nursing home, and before they arrived, Lizze suggested that I read Gavin's letter first to make sure it was going to be okay.
Elliott was uncomfortable coming in, and some stayed in the car with his grandparents, while Emmett and Gavin made their way to the room.
I asked Gavin to let me see his letter, and when I read it, I decided that for right now, it would be best to hold off because I'm not sure how anyone would react to his words.
His words were beautiful, but I wasn't sure it was the right time. I had Gavin say hello to his great grandmother and tell her he loved her. As she was reaching up to hug him, Gavin backed away and excused himself from the room.
He had become overwhelmed with emotion and was sobbing uncontrollably in the hallway. I've never in my life seen him react that way to anything before. I thought it best to help him out to the car, so he could collect himself and be comforted by those out there with him.
I had kept the letter under wraps because I just wasn't sure how to handle that.
I ended up accidentally leaving the letter in the room, and my Dad found it. I got a text from him later that day, and he wanted me to know that he'd read the letter multiple times and the more he reads it, the more he thinks that Gavin should have the opportunity to read it. He felt that this represented a huge step forward for Gavin and that perhaps both Gavin and my grandmother would benefit from this.
Lizze and I have been known to be overprotective of our kids, and we've shielded them from situations like this over the years.
That said, after talking it over with the family, it was decided that we would allow Gavin to read his letter to her if that was something he was comfortable with. We obviously wouldn't force the issue but giving him a chance to express himself, even if it's a bit awkward, was the right thing to do. We hoped that it would be a positive experience for both him and my grandmother.
I approached Gavin about it and explained that if he wanted to read his letter to her, that would be okay.
Gavin wanted to read it, so the arrangements were made. My Dad met us at the nursing home, and I made sure Gavin was still comfortable with his decision to read it. We didn't want a crowd, so it was just four of us in the room when he read his letter to my grandmother.
This video was initially recorded because it was a touching moment for a number of reasons, and we wanted to be able to share it with the family who wasn't present.
After talking about it, we decided as a family, including my grandmother, that sharing this special moment was important.
It was important for a couple of reasons.
First of all, it was truly a sweet moment between an Autistic child and his great grandmother. It was challenging to navigate, but it was overwhelmingly positive for both of them.
Secondly, Gavin showed us that he's still full of surprises. We had assumed that he was unable to* *handle a situation like this, based on past experience. However, we learned that sometimes we have to let go a bit and let our kid's experience life, even if it might be painful. If we hadn't, we would have robbed Gavin of the opportunity to express himself in such a beautiful way.
He found a way to share his feelings in a situation that was very emotionally charged. He said the things many of us were thinking but too uncomfortable to say ourselves.
My grandmother responded by simply hugging him from her bed. Gavin is very special to her. He was her first great-grandchild, and they have such a special relationship.
For an Autistic person or any person for that matter, what Gavin did was genuinely touching. It took courage for him to step way outside of his comfort zone, but I think it was a growing experience for him, and it's something he will remember for the rest of his life. I know I will.
Here's a copy of the letter.
I say this all the time when it comes to my kids, but just when I think I couldn't be any prouder of them, they do things to prove me wrong.
I can't express how proud of Gavin I am. He said the words that many of us were dancing around. He's broken through some of the stereotypes surrounding Autism and took a big step forward. ❤
I've been an Autism parent for nearly 20 years, and I'm still figuring things out. I've been guilty* *of being overprotective, and I'm learning that sometimes I have to let go for my kids to experience life in a more meaningful way.
This was never malicious. It was done out of an abundance of caution and wanting to protect our incredibly sensitive kids from a cruel and unforgiving world.
Going forward, my wife and I are going to approach things a little differently. This experience has opened our eyes to new possibilities, and everyone came away from this having grown. ☺
*Edited on 11 PM 06/10/2019*
*Reason: There needed to be some clarification about this situation. This was a difficult post to write, an*d *there were parts I needed to articulate better to frame this event in the proper light. *
