I've said this before, but it warrants repeating. Being an Autism and Special Needs parent is *not *easy. I can't honestly see how anyone could claim otherwise. Maybe they're stronger than me or a better human than me. Either way, my life is an endless string of challenges, and while I do my best, I almost always fall short.
It's always a struggle.
I was talking with someone the other day about some of the current challenges I'm facing, and it was hard to put things into perspective for them. That's not their fault and understanding something you've not personally been through is hard for anyone.
The reality is, it's very difficult to explain the complexity of the Autism and Special Needs parenting struggle to someone who isn't an Autism or Special Needs parent. It's really hard to find the words that accurately portray the emotions I'm feeling about situations that can be incredibly difficult to cope with. If I were having the same conversation with a fellow Autism and/or Special Needs parent, I wouldn't have to find the elusive words to explain because they would already understand.
I'm struggling a bit right now because I can't seem to strike a better balance in our lives. Some of my kids need/want my constant attention, and it's challenging for me to find ways of devoting enough time/energy to anyone or anything in my life.
Quickly becoming overwhelmed is often my default setting, and when that happens, I have a hard time focusing on anything. I know Depression plays a role in this as well, but it's not the root cause. Depression makes a bad situation worse, but the situation was already bad, to begin with.
It doesn't matter who I talk to, how much I exercise, or what medications I'm on; my life is such that Depression tends to thrive. I think many Autism/Special Needs parents find themselves in similar circumstances.
I'm trying so hard to strike a better balance. I'm trying so hard to get us out of where we are. I'm working so hard to meet as many of my family's needs as I possibly can. I try so hard not to want to give up when I ultimately fall short in most of what I set out to do. Knowing that my absolute best isn't good enough, feels awful. It's demoralizing, depressing, frustrating, and fills me with an overwhelming sense of guilt because I'm letting my loved ones down. At least that's what it feels like to me.
It's difficult to focus on things when there are so many things that need my focus. Parents like myself, deal with challenges 24/7/365 that most others won't face in the course of their entire lifetime.
Writing this post is a perfect example. I spent all day writing this because I kept getting pulled away to put out fires. By the time I was able to sit down and work on it, stringing coherent thoughts together, just wasn't in the cards. It's for that reason that I'm going to end things here. It's getting too frustrating for me, and I'm going to try and get to bed early.
