I'm feeling incredibly defeated today and there's a number of legitimate reasons for that. It's important to put things into context so here's a but of background.
Life is tough for my family on a good day. Including myself, there are five people in my immediate family, and four have special needs.
All four are in various places on the Autism Spectrum.
Three struggle with serious anxiety that impacts their daily life.
Three have ADHD.
Three have serious sensory processing challenges that interfere with their daily life.
Two have asthma.
One has food allergies.
One struggles with a very rare fever disorder.
One struggles with Schizophrenia, Childhood Disintegrative Disorder, significant cognitive impairment, Common Variable Immunodeficiency, an extremely rare Autonomic disorder, epilepsy, neuromuscular issues, a blood disorder, Ehlers-Danlos (possibly vascular) and chronic pain.
One struggles with serious chronic pain, fibromyalgia, Ehlers-Danlos, untreatable daily migraines, debilitating stomach issues, menopause, Bipolar disorder and depression.
I personally struggle with depression and lately, increased anxiety.
To say life is *challenging* would be the understatement of a lifetime. The amount of stress and worry that goes into each and every day takes a toll. The amount of time and energy that goes into managing these challenges is unbelievable.
On most days I feel like I do okay. I'm never enough and that's a shitty feeling but no *one person *would be. I used to beat myself up because I can't meet everyone's needs but I've realized that I'm the only one in my family that feels that way and I've learned to accept my limitations. This isn't anyone's fault and I don't blame anyone. I love my family and happily do whatever I possibly can for them.
Unfortunately, there are days where I'm so overwhelmed by everything going on that I can literally feel myself coming apart at the seams.
We're losing my grandfather right now and I'm helping my parents out as much as I can. I spent the day with my family as they came into town to visit with him. Lizze, with the help of her mom, got Elliott to his appointment at Akron Children's Hospital. Lizze has been really struggling with her migraine the last couple of days and the trip to Akron pretty much did her in. Her mom hung on to the kids for a bit so I could stay with my family and Lizze could get some rest.
While I'm at my parents, I'm having to manage things for my own household because they're sorta critical at the moment.
I had to schedule appointments and take care of certain issues, including bills that couldn't be put off any longer. I'm having to pay only the ones that are absolutely critical because money is really, really tight and I've got no wiggle room. The month of December and the first half of January are usually really slow for me in regards to work. My income sorta dries up for a bit but usually begins to recover towards the end of January. For whatever reason, we were hit particularly hard this time and I'm trying to pay bills with money I simply don't have.
I'm doing everything I can possibly do but it's just not enough and I can't get caught up. I can't even catch my breath at this point. I'm overwhelmed by everything and I'm completely emotionally drained. I'm trying to focus on the things that matter most, at least in the moment but there are too many things that matter and they're all so fucking heavy.
Even as I'm worrying and trying to figure out the critical issues I need to find solutions for, I'm getting pulled away by meltdowns, sensory issues (usually pertaining to food or clothes) or pretty much anything else you can imagine when dealing a list as extensive as the one above.
In the last 24 hours alone, poor Emmett has been hit with another fever flare and he's absolutely miserable. His mouth is breaking out in sores tonight, like the one below.
There isn't a single thing I can do for him, aside from comforting him as best I can. There's zero treatment options and it has to run its course. He's in so much pain but because of his sensory issues, he doesn't like feeling numb from things like topical pain blockers. It's absolutely awful and he'll be dealing with these for the next seven to ten days.
I was just at the grocery store last weekend and spent too much. We're having some issue with Gavin that I need to talk about later but they're having a significant impact on our grocery budget.
When Emmett hits a flare up like this, he stops eating because everything hurts. This means I need to go back out to the store because we'll have to try and get him to eat things like coconut ice cream, pudding and apple sauce, none which we have at the moment.
Emmett's struggling, Elliott's struggling, Gavin is requiring nearly constant supervision and Lizze is down with the worst migraine she's had in a long time. As I'm trying to catch my breath after feeding the kids, I discovered a huge tick on Ruby's shoulder. That turned into a fiasco that required an unplanned trip to the pharmacy, kids freaking out and further distraction from the things I need to be focusing on. It's not a huge deal and I dealt with it but it's just one thing after another.
I'm so overwhelmed right now. I feel absolutely defeated and physically as well as emotionally depleted. My life literally consists of facing one problem, getting pulled away before I can fully address it because of a new, more pressing problem, only to have the same thing happen again and again. All while everything continues to collect or buildup in the background.
It's hugley positive that I managed to accomplish as much as I did today. The only major bill I couldn't cover was the gas bill. I called and I should have a few days to figure that out. It's relatively manageable ($510.25) because we've been managing to keep up with it pretty well the last few months. It's not unheard-of to have a new advertising gig come in while I'm sleeping that more than cover the gas bill. I have some hope that I'll figure this out. ☺
In the mean time, I have to get Lizze to the Cleveland Clinic after lunch today. She's at the Neurological Center of Pain, where her migraine specialist is. We will hopefully figure out what the delay is on her new migraine medication. That's extremely important and almost nothing can interfere with making this trip. I don't know how my grandfather will be doing or what will happen between now and then. Regardless, I have to get Lizze to this appointment because she desperately needs relief. Practically speaking, if she feels better, she can help with more and that's of benefit to all of us. I have to prioritize this appointment.
At the same time, I'm going through my own shit, some I've spoke about and some I haven't. It never feels like I have time for me to go through it though.
I wish the world would slow down, just for a little while because I need to catch my breath and I desperately need to catch a break.
