I've spent a great deal of time thinking today and while thinking is required for my line of work, it can also prove to be a dangerous thing for me on a personal level. There's so much on my mind right now and they're not the kind of things that can just be processed or filed away.
I feel like it's pretty safe to say that depression is creeping up on me once again. It's not bad enough that I'm considering a medication change or anything like that. I can simply feel myself struggling a bit more with everyday life.
At the moment, my thoughts are circling around having my wisdom teeth removed. I'm quite preoccupied with that but it's still about 2 months away and I have a lot of life to get through before I get there.
When depression rears its ugly head, I don't actually get sad or feel depressed. I'm more likely to berate or belittle myself because I pay too much attention to my failures.
What happens is I can become hyper-focused on something and it can begin to illicit control over my life. In other words, my thoughts begin to control me and not the other way around.
I become very overwhelmed and will struggle to find any relief from that. While I'm not suicidal, I'd be lying if those thoughts haven't temporarily taken up residency from time to time. If I was ever seriously stuck on something like that, I would immediately get help because that's above my paygrade and not something I can work through on my own.
I often get frustrated because I know that depression is influencing my feelings but I can't turn it off. I was a forensic psych major in college and while my intention was to get into more of the law enforcement side of things, I gained a very good understanding of the mechanics involved in things like depression.
I know that I'm feeling the way that I am because of depressions influence but that doesn't change the fact that I feel like this. It's weird and aggravating.
I'm trying to function as though nothing is wrong because my life doesn't really allow for me to struggle on a personal level.
Going through the motions of daily life is crucial for me because I have to keep moving forward. If I stop, take a break or even put too much thought into quiting, I'll shutdown and that's not something I can afford to do.
It's really hard to get out of bed in the morning, drive the kids to/from school, go walking, take my meds, eat, work, take care of myself, the kids, my wife, the house and all the other areas of our life.
There's so much going on in my life at any given moment, that it's sometimes impossible to catch my breath.
What I've found is that the more I actively try to fight off the depression, the tighter its grasp on me becomes. It's like a Chinese finger trap.
If I embrace or try to coexist with the depression but force myself to keep moving forward, I tend to have better luck slipping through its grubby little fingers. It's also important that I remain as objective as I can in regards to my own life because if I don't, I'll buy into the negative that depression is selling and that can take me to a very dark place.
There's far too many people counting on me for me to give up. I wouldn't be disappointed if life decided to get a little easier for a bit though. While I'm not holding my breath for that, I'm also not beyond feeling hopeful that things will improve as time goes on.
Depression sucks and it can make an already challenging life, even more challenging. Please don't be afraid or ashamed to get help. Talk to someone and allow people to support you. ☺
