I had a really tough conversation with the boys yesterday. Gavin wasn't a part of it because he was on a mission in another galaxy when this went down. That's not sarcasm either. Gavin's Schizophrenic and truly believes he goes on missions.
Anyway, Elliott and Emmett had been fighting because that's just what they do anymore.
While I was talking to them and trying to help resolve their current disagreement, Emmett opened up about some things bothering him. Neither of the boys ever really open up like this unless they're really upset and it just sorta slips out. They've always been that way and I don't know why..
Anyway, Emmett kinda laid into me about why we can't move to a better house. He listed a few things that were upsetting him and I just sorta listened, not knowing what to say.
Here's a a few of the things he mentioned during his *sharing session*:
- He doesn't feel safe
- He can't play outside
- The house is too small
- There aren't enough power outlets
- He and Elliott's room is too small
- Something about the car being broken all the time and being too small
He's not wrong and that made it a bitter pill to swallow. Nothing he said was inaccurate and he's right.
No one feels safe because the neighborhood is not good. The frequent, almost daily gunfire doesn't help instill a feeling of safety either. This is also why they can't play outside very often.
Yes, our house is way too small. It's simply too small for our family of 5. The boys need more space and we can't give it to them here. Emmett's absolutely right about that.
He's also right that there aren't enough power outlets. This is a significant issue on the second floor. Each bedroom only has one working outlet. It creates problems and while this isn't life or death, it's still an issue without a practical remedy.
This is a big one right now, especially as the boys get older. Their bedroom is simply too small. They are in the largest of the kids rooms and they are on top of each other. Between their beds and dressers, they have no room to play.
As for the car, I've mentioned that frequently as an ongoing problem. He's right again. The car has major problems that aren't worth fixing and the boys barely fit in the back seat anymore.
When Emmett was done screaming this stuff at me, he could see that I was impacted by his words and made it very clear that he knows I'm doing the best I can. I appreciate that but it doesn't change the fact that he's right.
We desperately need out of this house and I don't have the ability to make that happen. Short of a miracle or winning the lottery, which I have never played, I'm pretty much powerless to address these issues.
When everyone had cooled down a bit and Emmett had finished venting, we had a discussion about making the best of what we have, until we can change things.
There are things we can do to improve our immediate environment. Some are pretty easy, while others are more challenging and cost a significant amount of money. For the record, we are not financially on solid ground by any stretch of the imagination.
We can better organize things and get rid of things we don't use in order to free up space. This is something we can absolutely do and it doesn't cost anything.
The rest are things that we can't do anything about, at least for right now.
We can't make the neighborhood safer. I can't make the house bigger or effectuate the needed repairs or upgrades with the resources at my disposal or rather *not at my disposal. *
The truth is that we're in a rough place. We're grateful to have a roof over our heads and our car still gets us from A to B.
That said, these issues make it very hard to improve our quality of life and they sorta make an already difficult life, way more challenging.
While it's true that I'm doing the best that I can, especially considering all we have going on, my efforts still fall short of what my family needs.
It's one thing for me to know these things are issues but it's absolutely heartbreaking to learn how profoundly it's impacting the kids. Often times they seem unaware of these things but it turns out they simply don't talk about their concerns very often.
This is weighing pretty fucking heavy on me right now because I can't find a working solution to these things.
Anyway, I'm feeling kinda shitty at this point. I think the focus on 2019, at least in part, is going to have to be improving upon our current situation so we can do better by the kids. That has to happen. It just does.
