The boys and I decorated the Christmas tree this morning. I think it looks really nice. Emmett was super excited to get this done but everyone else didn't seem to care one way or the other.
Christmas never looks like it threw up all over our house. We've always keep things simple and I sometimes wish it were different or that we had the means to make it different.
I feel like it's important to embrace the holiday and give the kids an experience that builds lasting memories. Sometimes I think it would be nice if Christmas puked all over our house. I would really like to give this to the kids but it's not in the cards this year. Perhaps next year will be different.
Anyway, the tree is done and it looks nice. I'm hoping it helps to put people in a better mood because we could all use it.
This is always a stressful time of year because money is really tight, the kids get anxious and nothing ever seems to go right. I'm trying to hold everything together but there's so many pieces and I'm failing miserably.
I'm so distracted by the things I'm struggling with on a personal level, that I'm not able to focus on everyone else the way the both need and deserve. Sometimes it's the other way around and I'm so lost in everyone else that I don't deal with my own shit.
I've not been able to cope well with life lately and I'm afraid it's negatively impacting those I love.
I need to be able to put my own shit aside and focus on them but I'm struggling to do that.
In this exact moment, I'm feeling *defeated, demoralized, embarrassed, ashamed, scared, stressed, overwhelmed, weak, inadequate, sick, exhausted, broken and like an absolute failure*. Those are hard feelings to deal with and still continue functioning. I also know that just because I feel them doesn't mean they are warranted.
Finding some semblance of balance is proving to be even more challenging for me than it typically is. I'm no stranger to feeling these things but I can usually power through them. I'm not able to do that at this point.
Life isn't easy right now. At the same time, life is never easy but life isn't easy for anyone. In this very moment, life is totally kicking the shit out of me and doing it while I'm already down. I can't even catch my breath.
I'm at a low point in my life right now but I also recognize that there will be an upswing that brings me back above water. This is the ebb and flow of my life.
I'm not sharing this because I want people to feel sorry for me. I trying to provide context and perspective for my readers. Sometimes I'll write something that doesn't come across as intended because my readers don't understand where my heart or head is. There are times where I make the mistake of assuming people understand because it makes sense to me.
Context and perspective are very important. This post is intended to help you gain a little of both into my life.
If in the near future, you read something I write and think *my goodness that's* *depressing, *you might have a better understanding of why I'm feeling that way. On the flip side, if you read something that's pretty uplifting, you might find yourself thinking something like, *my goodness, that's really inspiring to read because I know what he's going through right now.*
Insight, perspective and knowledge are things that help us better understand and learn.
