It's been a rough day in general. The highlight has been my 3.1 mile walk. I've walked every single day for the last 2 months and I'd like to maintain that record as much as I can.
Anyway, that was the upside.
The rest of the day has been a bit on the unpleasant side. Gavin's driving me nuts with his talking, while Elliott and Emmett are fighting over everything.
I'm overwhelmed by life right now and it all sorta came to a head this afternoon while I was running errands.
After walking, I had to hit the grocery store, gas station and Little Ceasars. Elliott needed pizza for his school lunches because it's the only thing he will eat. We need gas to get the kids to school in the morning and groceries to survive.
I knew I wasn't going to be able to get much and I'm usually pretty good at keeping tabs of cost as I'm shopping. For some reason I was off today. As I was checking out, I realized that I was going to be over my allotted budget, which was less than $40 because that's literally all I have in the bank right now.
I thought I was doing good and I felt like I was able to get the most necessary items. I was trying to make the best out of a bad situation. As I realized my math was off, I had to start making decisions about what would stay and what I would have to be put back.
That really sucked but not because I was embarrassed. I was at the self-checkout so it was a bit less obvious. For me it sucked because it was demoralizing and yet another reality check, reminding me that my best is not enough. As though I needed the reminder.
I don't care what anyone who might have been watching me struggle at the check-out thought. I only worried what my family would have to face as a result of me not getting all the food that I need to get. I don't want them to worry or stress out or worse, not eat.
That's a shitty feeling and it makes everything else worse. Struggling is not unique to my family. There are families everywhere who are struggling. I just happen to have a platform with which to share our story on. This is all part of life and life is meant to be a challenge.
I'm not particularly proud of this - at all, but I can't let this consume me either. It is what it is.
While I don't know how things will work out, I know they somehow will. Giving up isn't an option. There are always people worse off and it's not like anyone is starving in our house.
It does present challenges because of the sensory related food proclivities that run rampant in our house.
This kind of thing happens and if it's happened to you, please don't feel bad because you aren't alone.
