You may or may not know this but I have quite a bit in my plate. I try so hard to do right by everyone in my family but there are times I become do overwhelmed by their needs, I feel like I'm being crushed.
I'm feeling crushed right now by the weight of everything.
Lizze is living with high functioning Autism, PTSD, ADHD, chronic pain, fibromyalgia, depression, ehlers-danlos, bipolar disorder and untreatable daily migraines among others.
Gavin is living with chronic pain, childhood disintegrative disorder (very rare, regressive form of Autism), common variable immunodeficiency, epilepsy, schizophrenia, asthma, and a very rare autonomic disorder among others.
Elliott is living with Autism, sensory processing disorder, depression, severe anxiety, ADHD, food allergies and possibly bipolar disorder.
Emmett is living with Autism, anxiety, sensory processing disorder, ADHD, and a very rare, painful fever disorder.
As for me, I'm living with PTSD and depression.
It's fair to say that life can be very challenging on a good day and seemingly impossible on the not so good days. Thankfully, we do have good days but we also have quite a few not so good days as well.
My life centers around being a full time caregiver for all three kids and Lizze, when she needs it.
I'm burning the candle at both ends and that leaves me very weary. There are times when I cope with this better and times that I basically flail.
I'm currently flailing quite a bit.
It's really important that I not lose myself in this distress because it can very quickly become like a black hole and suck me in. If I allow that to happen, I become unable to care for anyone, including myself.
Last night I went to bed feeling crushed and demoralized. I woke up this morning feeling worse. I was very angry and resentful. That's something I'm not proud of.
The last thing I wanted was to allow my distress to influence any of the interactions I had with my wife and kids. I got up early, went to the park and I was walking by 7:30 AM. I was definitely not in a good place because my pace was much faster than normal and it hurt for the first two miles. I didn't realize or notice the pain until my head started to clear up.
By the time I was done, I was emotionally in a better place.
If I'm not in a good place, I can't be what everyone needs me to be. Truthfully, on my best day, I can't be what everyone needs me to be but I get closer when I'm in a better place.
Trying to manage the unique and demanding needs of four people is not easy. I'm only one person but that doesn't really matter because their needs still need met.
I do my best to practice selfcare as often as possible because it's the only way I have a chance. Walking, writing and finding ways to help others is what helps me the most. The physical outlet is very important for me because it not only helps me continue to lose weight and maintain my health but it also burns off the negative energy.
The emotional or mental outlet from writing is what helps me process the things in my life. Finding ways to use my experience to help others is what's allows me make something positive come from all this.
All of these things work as a form of therapy for me. They help to keep my depression in check and me centered.
When life is this challenging all the time, there's only so much I can do to keep from going crazy.
I do the best I can but inevitably, I fall short. The guilt of failing, along with feeling this way is immeasurable. I know some of you will get this and I know some of you won't.
I love my family. If I didn't, I wouldn't try to hard or continue picking myself back up and moving forward.
This isn't about love or devotion. I have both of those things in spades. It's simply about the reality of the demand and its impact on the very human me.
