I've really been struggling with the idea of turning 40 on Friday. In fact, I've been struggling so much, that I've been telling everyone my birthday is on Thursday when Emmett pointed out to me last night, that it's actually Friday.
There are countless reasons that anyone would stress out about hitting the big 4 - 0 but for me, there's one reason in particular that's eating away at me.
To be honest, I've only realized this because of the back and forth I've been having with some of my readers. Hearing others people's thoughts helps me put mine into frame.
My struggle isn't about getting older, feeling older or even looking older. It's not about a mid-life crisis or that I'm second guessing my life choices, although to be fair, there are mistakes I wish I could go back and undo.
The pain I'm feeling right now (and pain is a good description of it) has nothing to do with regrets either.
My pain is rooted in fear.
As an Autism Dad, I know first hand how difficult life is for my kids with Autism, some more than others. I know that Gavin for example, will never live on his own or take care of himself. He can't hold a conventional job, if any at all or make really even make friends. His health both physical and emotional is fragile at best and I worry about him constantly.
I worry about what would happen to him or any of my kids if something happened to me. I worry about my wife and who would take care of them if I was gone. Lizze has a ton of health issues that limit her in many ways.
As 40 looms closer and closer, it's like I'm staring my mortality right in the face.
More than ever, I'm thinking, fearing, dreading and losing sleep over the fact that I'm not always going to be here to take care of my kids with Autism. Elliott and Emmett will grow up and build a life of their own. They may face obstacles but they will find ways to live with them. Gavin will not and he'll need 24/7 care/supervision.
There aren't really preparations for something like that. I know there are options but in this moment and others like it, the only one that matters will no longer be possible once I'm gone.
For some reason, this is weighing heavy right now. When I try to pull away and shake it off, it's like these thoughts have their own gravitational pull. I keep getting pulled back in.
I know that I will eventually move past this but for right now, this Autism Dad is terrified because I don't know what will happen to my kids when I'm gone.
