As I mentioned in the previous post, there's an enormous pink elephant in the room right now and it's better known as my 40th birthday. I turn 40 years old on Thursday, August 24th and I'm struggling.
I just realized that I've been an Autism for almost half of my life. That's a bit overwhelming to think about, so I just won't. ☺
Let me begin by saying that I've decided *not *to discontinue my last remaining antidepressant right now because I'm concerned it might be a bad idea, especially due to the headspace I find myself in.
Turing 40 is supposed to be a big deal and it is in many ways. In other ways it's just another day.
As it is, the fates, life and a few other things, outside of our control, have left us in a pretty bad place financially. I need these advertisers to come through because if they don't, we're in a world of hurt.
There's an emotional hurdle some people have to overcome when they turn 40. I'm facing quite a few of those hurdles myself.
I was actually sorta looking forward to turning 40 at one point because we were in a pretty good place and my 40th birthday happens to coincide with the launch of the Note 9. I typically use my upgrade every year when the new Note is released and this year it was going to be a bit more special because it was happening on my birthday. Sorta took the sting out of it.
Needless to say, that's not going to work out and on top of that, I'm stressing out because the boys are excited about my birthday and won't understand if we don't do anything. I don't want them to feel bad about anything, so I need to figure something out. Even if we just do something small.
As Thursday draws closer and closer, I'm feeling my Depression creeping up on me. I can feel myself beginning to struggle more and more, while I'm overtaken by a sense of dread.
For me personally, turning 40 has caused me to evaluate my life thus far and the direction it's going in.
The truth is, I feel trapped but not in the sense you might be thinking. This isn't about my family or not being happy with them because they're my entire world. I feel trapped because no matter what I do, I cannot get us out of the hole we're in.
I can't get us financially stabized. I can't get us out of this house and into a safe neighborhood where the boys can play outside. I can't get us into a new car that isn't bleeding us dry and requiring the boys to barely fit. There's a laundry list a mile long of things I haven't been able to do and it's weighing incredibly heavy on me.
Before you say that I'm too hard on myself and I should focus on the positives, I'm really trying to right now.
I'm losing weight, getting my body back and all things considered, the boys are doing alright. Gavin's driving me crazy for a million reasons but he's around to drive me crazy, That's a blessing in and of itself. There have been so many close calls with him over the years and I'm grateful he's here to drive me nuts.
It may not be safe but we have a house and a roof over our heads.
Truthfully, all of those things are important but the most significant for me at this moment is that Lizze and I are still married. We went through a two year separation a few years back and while I always held out hope, I was afraid I would hit my 40th birthday as a single parent.
I'm grateful every day that Lizze and I were able to put our marriage back together and move forward, stronger than ever. It's not perfect but it works for us. We learned a great deal during our time apart and have applied that as we move forward. We'll be celebrating 15 years a week after my birthday. ☺
Anyway, it's not that I can't see the positive because I can. This isn't even about me lacking anything from my life either. This is entirely about what I'm unable to do for my family. That's what's got me in a darker place. I feel like a failure.
I know Lizze and the boys don't think that at all but I know what they need and deserve. I also know that I fall short in almost every area.
Yes, I know the cards are stacked against me but nothing about this is rational. It's a mid-life crisis type thing, drenched in Depression. There's very little about how I feel that's rationally based but even knowing that doesn't change how it feels.
I'm hoping for a positive week. There's still time to make this week a success. These two new parterships will hopefully pan out and usher in some positive change.
If nothing else goes my way this week, I still have my marriage, my family and my health. If life is taking orders, and I can put in a simple request, I would love a double wrapped, double steak Chipotle burrito. I've been craving one recently and it's been out of reach.
As I said in the beginning, I'm going to stay on my last antidepressant until I know I've emerged from this temporary but dark tunnel.
