I thought I would take a few minutes and talk about where I'm at right now. I don't mean where I'm physically at, but instead where I'm at emotionally. I haven't really spoken about my mental health for a little while and because it's a huge part of my life, it's important to talk about.
There are so many pieces and parts that make up the person I am but my mental health has an overwhelming impact on all of them.
I would never represent myself as the *picture of mental health *because that couldn't be further from the truth. I struggle at times. In fact, there are times I struggle a great deal. Those struggles aren't always associated with my ongoing, lifelong war with Depression either, which you can read all about here. Sometimes I struggle because the challenges in my life seemed determined to break me and there are times they almost do.
Being an Autism parent is hard enough without being saddled with all the limitations that go along with being *human *as well.
I would be lying to you if I said that Depression doesn't have its grubby fingers in many aspects of my life. Sometimes Depression is totally driving the bus and other times it's quietly influencing how I drive the bus or what direction I go in. That's simply the reality I live in.
There are times where Depression really isn't a major factor and yet I struggle nonetheless.
Lately, I've been riding this never-ending emotional roller coaster. I don't remember getting on the ride in the first place and what's worse, it doesn't seem to ever stop long enough for me to get off before it starts back up again.
I have been struggling with putting words to what I'm feeling and it's so frustrating for me because that's how I process things.
When I find myself in places like this, everything becomes so much heavier for me. The stress and constant worry over every tiny little thing is exhausting. These worries are irrational in nature either. As an Autism parent, there are a million things I have to worry about that wouldn't even occur to most others.
I do my best to remain focused on the positive but that's not easy to do. Like many of you, I will fake my smile and keep pushing forward. Sometimes that all I have left but it seems better than the alternative of giving up.
This life takes a seriously heavy toll on me. Over time, the guilt, pain, bruises, heartache, exhaustion, stress, fear and endless nights of being unable to sleep, can wear me down to the point that I feel like a shell of my former self. I get to a point where all I can do is the absolute bare minimum and pray it's enough to get by, knowing full well it won't be.
As husband and father, it's beyond my ability to articulate just how it feels to watch my wife and kids struggle, each and every day. I could say it's *heartbreaking *but that wouldn't do it justice because *torturous *even falls short.
When everything in my life weighs me down and more than anything, I desperately need to write, I'm unable to. I get these mental blocks that make writing anything feel like a monumental undertaking that I simply can't handle.
If you're a regular reader, you know that I haven't written much in the last couple of days. I haven't responded to many comments in awhile either. I'm not ignoring anyone and I'm incredibly grateful to those of you who share your thoughts. I just don't have the energy or emotional resources to spare. I'll eventually get caught up and I really do try to respond to everyone.
This post has been on my screen for most of the day and I couldn't finish it because nothing felt right. I realized though, I had to get something done because I won't be able to sleep until I do. I have to purge some of this in order to make room for all the new stuff I need to take on.
Anyway, I'm going to try and get some sleep. We have a busy couple of days ahead and I'm not in the best place to take on what's coming our way.
