I’m having a harder time coping with Gavin lately. God forgive me but he’s driving me fucking crazy and I simply don’t have the patience he deserves to receive from me.

It’s important to understand that Gavin’s isn’t necessarily doing anything wrong. He’s just being Gavin.

The emotions I’m experiencing in regards to coping is probably two fold. It’s part frustration because Gavin’s functioning at maybe fifty percent of what he was, say two years ago. The other part is pure, unadulterated heartache because he’s only functioning at maybe fifty percent of where he was two years ago.

The frustration and heartache are very real. They are very, very impactful emotions, that are at odds with each other.

I find myself frustrated by his behaviors and exhausted by how difficult it is to stay ten steps ahead of him. I don’t enjoy having to micromanage his every move but it’s becoming more and more necessary to do so, in order to keep him from inadvertently hurting himself or someone else.

At the very same time, I’m completely heartbroken because he’s declining and there is nothing we can do to stop it. There’s nothing that can make watching him deteriorate easier and there’s nothing we can do to stop it from continuing.

The very nature of Childhood Disintegrative Disorder is steady decline.

I’ve been struggling with my own demons, so to speak, in regards to my issues with Paxil withdrawal symptoms. My ability to be patient is somewhat limited to start with at the moment and because Gavin is requiring more, I’m running into a deficit.

The guilt I feel for my shortcomings right now, only make this worse.

The reality is that Gavin is a very challenging person and is only becoming more challenging as time goes on. As much as I’d like to have an infinite amount of patience, I don’t. As much as I want to give all that I have to Gavin, I can’t. There are two other kids that are equally challenging in their own right and I need to have patience to spend on them as well.