I haven't written much since Thursday and there's a good reason for that. I had a truly horrible experience and it really knocked me for a loop. It was one of those times where doing the right thing made me feel like a monster.
This past Thursday, Elliott had an appointment with his pediatrician. This was a follow-up in regards to him having recently begun taking Prozac for anxiety.
The day began with the very first snow day of the year and we all had a great morning.
I noticed that Elliott's cheeks were red and I decided to check his temperature. He was indeed running a low-grade fever and I was thinking it would be a good idea to get his blood work done while we were there. If his blood work comes back nor. AL, and he's still running a fever, that is a pretty big clue that we're looking at a fever disorder. We'd put the bloodwork off long enough and Elliott wasn't going to work through his fear of needles in time to get this done. It's been over a month since we got the order and it's been enough time.
Our original goal was to let Elliott begin the Prozac and see if it helped his anxiety enough that he would willingly get his blood drawn. That didn't work out so well and we had a unique opportunity to gain some insight into his bizarre fevers.
We approached Elliott with the idea of getting his labs drawn while we were at his doctor's appointment that afternoon. That didn't go over well and Elliott immediately began spiraling into a panic attack. We tried to work with him as much as we could but there was no point. He was too far gone.
Unfortunately, it was a snow day and because we didn't have anyone to watch the boys, I had to take him by myself.
Once we arrived at the doctor's office, I thought it would be best if we did his labs first. This way he wouldn't have to worry the entire time we were there. I figured we would get it done and over with because he needed relief but he needs these labs drawn as well.
He refused to get out of the car. We worked through that and headed to the main entrance, all while he was screaming *you lied to me, I'll never trust you again. *In his head, I had apparently lied to him about this somewhere along the way, which I hadn't. I went through the door and got him registered. I explained what we were dealing with and they made sure everyone else was on the same page. *Continued on next page*
This is where Gavin gets his labs done and has for all his life. They know us well and remember how bad it was with Gavin when he was younger.
While I was talking to the lady at the front desk, Elliott is still screaming that I had lied to him. He was on complete overload and panic had already taken over his actions. He and I took our seats in the waiting room, while I was trying to calm him down. Next thing we know, they called his name. The moment he heard his name, he took off into the parking lot. I went after him and it became one of those things were I moved toward him, he moved away. There was no winning this way. I didn't want him getting hurt so I tried to calm him down again.
He still wouldn't come back and the moment I was close enough, I grabbed him, picked him up and carried him back in.
I was dragging him back to the door where the tech was waiting, only now she was accompanied by security. I explained what was going on and they were amazing. It ended up taking another security guard and two more lab techs in order to get his labs drawn.
He had to be restrained and I had the bulk of the responsibility but I was able to hug him and try to reassure him it was going to be okay. I was in tears because I've never seen him like this. I haven't dealt with anything like this since Gavin was little and it broke me.
I felt like a complete monster and had just done the wrong thing. It was awful and I was still visibly shaking when our pediatrician had walked in for our appointment about 15 minutes later. Elliott had begun talking to me again but he was out of it. He was lost on his phone and I figured I would let him decompress.
The doctor had already heard about what went down and so I didn't need to explain anything again.
We discussed how he was doing on the Prozac and ended up deciding to bump his dose up. He was only on 10mg per day and we bumped him up to 20mg per day. The hope is that this will help him with his anxiety. He has Generalized Anxiety Disorder, along with Autism and ADHD. The anxiety is having a significant impact on his life. We know this won't fix it but if it helps give him the ability to better manage, it's worth it.
I have to report back in a couple of weeks and let her know what's going on. If we don't see any positive changes, we'll revisit everything and likely discontinue.
As we were walking back out to the car, Elliott informed me that *it wasn't as bad as he thought it would be. *As for what happened while we were there and the things that came out of his mouth, he doesn't really remember the details but he could see I was still shaken.
Frankly, him not remembering much doesn't surprise me. He was in full on fight or flight mode and I don't think that he was really behind the wheel for much of what went down. I decided that he wasn't going to be punished because I really don't think he was fully responsible for his actions. At the same time, I didn't reward him for getting his bloodwork done either.
Elliott was back to his old self within a few hours of getting home. As for me, I was hit pretty hard by all this and it took me a bit more time to work through it. I hadn't felt that shitty in a very long time. I was heartbroken and felt like a monster. I know I did the right thing but sometimes doing the right thing feels like shit.
Right before Elliott went to bed that night, he came up to me, gave me a hug and whispered he was sorry. I told him everything was okay, tomorrow was a day and with it, a clean slate for all of us.. ☺
