Today was one of those days where I seriously need a break. The holidays alone are a tremendous amount of pressure. There's parties and family get togethers that really add pressure to the cooker. If we go, the kids are going to be even more difficult to manage but if we don't go, not everyone understands.
Lizze and I haven't had a night to ourselves in I don't even remember. I think we had one night off since September-ish. It's not anyone's fault and we're absolutely grateful for the times we do get away from the kids. Sometimes life happens and circumstances change. It's outside of anyone's control.
At the same time, it sucks.
I'm so physically exhausted and I was talking to our therapist tonight about it. I'm concerned about my depression. I've been on the same meds for many years now and the side effects still suck. Weight gain, cloudy thinking, as well as others and it's so hard for me to write like I used to.
The problem is that all those things could be signs of my depression not being managed probably (medication-wise) or they could be side effects of the medications themselves. It could also simply be extreme exhaustion or some combination of everything.
Making any changes to my meds is a difficult process for me because I'm the main everything in the house. Lizze has her challenges that limit her. She's been doing better but this last round of weather has made it hard for her to even move around much because she's in too much pain.
Our situation is such that there is no fix for any of this. Some may argue to the contrary but for anyone in the trenches with us in real life, they know there's no fix. What we can do however, is not give up and instead figure out ways to make the best of what we're given. *Continued on page 2*
Back on point. Any medication change will likely have an impact on me. It can impact me ability to drive and even function.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do but right now, I'm a fan of coming off the meds all together and letting my system stabilize. At that point, we figure out where I am and then do what needs to be done. I'm not against meds but I've been on these for so long, I'm unsure of whether or not they are working at all anymore. The best way to know for sure is to remove them and see where I am.
Going off my meds isn't catastrophic by any means. I could begin obsessing over stupid things and my anxiety increase. I'm highly functional unmedicated but things can be harder to cope with.
At this point, I think it's worth it, simply to figure out where I am and what changes I need to make to my depression management. My therapist was suggesting that I may benefit more from focusing more on anxiety as that may be the larger issue.
Either way, I won't make any changes without consulting my doctor because that's just how I roll and I need to be taken off slowly, over time. That's the safest way and I'm all about safely doing things. ☺
I've been researching how to come of Paxil (40mg) and Wellbutrin XL (150mg). I know I start to get sick after about 3 days of not taking my meds. I've had issues with refills before and it wasn't fun. The biggest thing for me was headaches and nausea but that's essentially quiting cold turkey. I have zero intention of doing that.
I anticipate this taking a few months because I want this to be as pleasant as possible and have the least amount of impact on everyone around me. Doing this slowly will also give me a chance build up the areas of my life that will help me to naturally manage.
I'll call my doctor and find out what she thinks and go from there. While I want to get started, I'm not in a rush to get this done.
I know I totally digressed here but this is a big deal for me right now and this post just sorta evolved naturally. My hope is that coming off the meds will at the very least, give me a better understanding of where I am. I will continue to increase exercise and physical activity because that's extremely important. Hydration, healthy diet and enough sleep are extremely important as well.
This isn't something I take lightly and I may very well end up on meds again. If I can manage without medications, that's the path I want to take. My life is never going to be easy and that's okay. That doesn't mean I can't find a better way of coping with it. ☺
