Lizze and I are really heartbroken over the amount of regression Gavin's been experiencing lately. Today was particularly difficult because Gavin was clearly struggling in many areas.
On one hand, I sent Gavin in to Clearwater to refill one of our five gallon water jugs, while I watched him from outside the store. He had to buy a token, lid and then fill the jug up before carrying it out and putting it into the trunk. This is only the second time he's done this and he did a really good job.
At the same time, he can't remember how to type the code into the keyless entry on the front door. He's been able to do it for the last two years, but lately he can't remember the code anymore.
His memory has gone downhill.
He can remember these totally random things from ten years ago, but can't remember what I just asked him to do. He appears to have almost no short term memory anymore, at least in practice.
Tonight we met with Gavin's new case manager from his insurance company. We had to bring her up to speed, and because she's new, there's a good bit to go through. We always meet at Dr. Pattie's office because it gives the case manager a chance to meet with her as well. It's always worked out well.
I sat there listening to Gavin talk to all of us about his latest *missions with his team of super best friends. *His schizophrenic hallucinations are becoming more intense and his delusions much stronger. We learned tonight that Gavin believes he is a Power Ranger, with the power of a dragon.
I remember going through everything tonight and thinking to myself, *how did we get here? *How did we go from a typically developing toddler to a seventeen year old, with catastrophic physical and emotional health problems. A seventeen year old who believes he's a Power Ranger, and heads up an invisible team of super heros?
As time goes by, I'm beginning to realize how scary the future is, in regards to Gavin. It's not like I've been oblivious to any of this, but I didn't let myself think about it very often.
Thinking about it is acknowledging it.
Acknowledging it is admitting to myself that it's real.
Admitting to myself that it's real, is absolutely soul crushing.
I don't know if I'm strong enough to face what the future holds?
Tonight was a reality check for us. We have to begin the process of getting complete and permanent guardianship over Gavin because he'll be eighteen soon. There's no way around this.
In the morning we see Dr. Reynolds for a followup. We'll discuss how he's been doing since having his Lithium completely discontinued. Neither Lizze nor I really know what to say. Gavin's all over the place and it's not easy to tell what's what.
To be completely honest with you, going through all this stuff, thinking about it, and facing the reality of everything, sucks.
It's like being kicked in the balls. I can't breathe. I'm doubled over and unable to move. As much as I want to be able to get right back up and continue moving forward, I simply can't.
I wouldn't wish this on anyone, and I would take Gavin's place in a heartbeat..
