Going through a divorce has taught me a great many things. Some lessons were more painful than others but every lesson served a purpose.
The reality of divorce is such that a union that was, is no longer and it doesn’t matter why.
Emotions can run high at times, especially when kids are involved. I’m no exception to that. Getting along with my soon to be ex-wife is not always the easiest thing in the world and again, it doesn’t matter why.
The only thing that truly matters is the well-being and happiness of my kids. That’s absolutely it because everything else is just noise.
One of the things that I’m still learning is that there’s no such thing as fair.
Nothing about divorce is fair.
Adults decide what’s fair for them, while the kids are powerless and oftentimes have no voice or say in the matter.
Divorce has a way of transforming kids into property that must be shared.
That being said, I know that there are a great many things about my personal decisions in regards to my divorce that don’t seem to make sense. Some of those decisions are made for reasons that I don’t publically share.
What I’m continuing to learn is that roles have changed and while some may not see that as fair and there are times when I count myself among them, there’s bigger picture.
For all the negative that has come from the fracture of my family, there is no fighting over the kids.
The boys live with me and it will likely always be that way. There’s no ugly court battles and traumatic tug of war. The boys still have both parents in their lives and that’s so important.
While it may be seen as unfair by some who follow our journey, I see it as a blessing and the person partly responsible for that blessing is their Mother.
She will always be in the boys life in the best way she can.
Despite the difficulties associated with being a single parent, how many people would do anything to have a peaceful and positive outcome, such as this?
People ask me why I’m not going out of my mind with anger or resentment and this is why.
Nothings perfect. There will always be hiccups, disagreements and frustration in divorce. Having said that, I always try to see the bigger picture and the truth is that things could be much, much worse.
I will forever be grateful and as such, I choose to see this as an enormously positive outcome from a very tragic situation.
While our roles may have evolved and responsibilities shifted, we both love our kids. We each play our role to the best of our abilities and it doesn’t have to make sense to anyone.
I have my kids and they get to see their Mother and stay connected to that part of their family. At the end of the day, that’s something I can live and be grateful for.
My family is evolving. It’s not the same as it once was and it never will be. Nothing that evolves ever is.
Our roles and responsibilities as parents have changed but the love we have for our kids hasn’t.
In the grand scheme of things, the boys and I are very lucky to have had things work out the way they did. ☺
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Sorry to be harsh, but I need to know what your secret is on how you convince yourself every day that what you have going on is working for you & the kids & is the best for the kids. I know you love your kids beyond measure but I don’t know what else you can say to convince the rest of us that lizzie is doing what is best for the boys – I guess you are better at forgiving, but it sounded like you had to write this to convince yourself. I KNOW it’s NOT up to us & it is your life & you will do what you want & as long as YOU can live with the choices your making, but like you said – did you ask the kids what they wanted or did you treat them like “property”. My EX to this day, treats his kids like property.
Everyone’s situation is different. Lizze has serious mental and physical illnesses that limit her capacity to function as a parent. I’m not making excuses for her and I won’t because I’ve never agreed with the journey she’s on.
That said, I could be bitter and angry but what good would that do? Would it make her better? Would it help me to be a better parent?
The answer to all of the above is no.
Being angry doesn’t help anyone, least of all the boys. The boys are my only concern in this entire thing.
I get frustrated at times but I let it pass through me as best I can because nothing I say or do is going to change anything that’s outside of my control.
I can see where she’s coming from. I don’t think anger is the answer, obviously but I don’t think her behavior should just be rolled off. It’s clear her actions really bother the boys and as a result set on your shoulders because you are the primary caregiver. I feel like if she was going to dip out on being a parent she could, at the very least, try to keep some semblance of normalcy for them. However, I’m not their mother nor do I even see what goes on offline. So it’s really no one’s business. I guess we’re all just concerned for them as if they were our own. We all know that they didn’t choose this. :/
You’re absolutely right.. The boys didn’t choose this and frankly, neither did I. If I had control, I would make things better for the kids and that does not included going back to the way things were.
As forgiving as I am, there’s no going back after everything that’s happened.
I truly appreciate the amount of love coming our way from everyone and it’s hard to really put everything in context without complete knowledge of what’s transpired.
I happen to agree that they need a sense of normalcy and they need consistency as well.
The beet way to look at things right now is as if they were a work in progress. ☺
If Lizze had the capacity to maintain normalcy for the boys, we probably wouldn’t be in this situation. She’s doing the best she can given her mental illnesses. Is that what most of us would consider enough, let alone good? Nope, but that’s the reality of the situation. The boys are so lucky to have Rob.
That’s exactly right. I don’t believe for a second that anything was done with malicious intent. I’m learning to take what I can get and move forward.
I’m glad you can understand Lizze to some extent?? Maybe I’m wrong on this. The kids and I have some serious mental illnesses, but it only makes my EX angry and bitter, even tho it was his choice to divorce. I wish he held the same philosophy that “being angry doesn’t help anyone”. Our kids (and I) are still being treated poorly. I guess treating the kids and I as bad as he does is my EX’s way of controlling the situations and my EX has only concern for himself.
Sorry to be harsh, but I need to know what your secret is on how you convince yourself every day that what you have going on is working for you & the kids & is the best for the kids. I know you love your kids beyond measure but I don’t know what else you can say to convince the rest of us that lizzie is doing what is best for the boys – I guess you are better at forgiving, but it sounded like you had to write this to convince yourself. I KNOW it’s NOT up to us & it is your life & you will do what you want & as long as YOU can live with the choices your making, but like you said – did you ask the kids what they wanted or did you treat them like “property”. My EX to this day, treats his kids like property.
Everyone’s situation is different. Lizze has serious mental and physical illnesses that limit her capacity to function as a parent. I’m not making excuses for her and I won’t because I’ve never agreed with the journey she’s on.
That said, I could be bitter and angry but what good would that do? Would it make her better? Would it help me to be a better parent?
The answer to all of the above is no.
Being angry doesn’t help anyone, least of all the boys. The boys are my only concern in this entire thing.
I get frustrated at times but I let it pass through me as best I can because nothing I say or do is going to change anything that’s outside of my control.
I can see where she’s coming from. I don’t think anger is the answer, obviously but I don’t think her behavior should just be rolled off. It’s clear her actions really bother the boys and as a result set on your shoulders because you are the primary caregiver. I feel like if she was going to dip out on being a parent she could, at the very least, try to keep some semblance of normalcy for them. However, I’m not their mother nor do I even see what goes on offline. So it’s really no one’s business. I guess we’re all just concerned for them as if they were our own. We all know that they didn’t choose this. :/
You’re absolutely right.. The boys didn’t choose this and frankly, neither did I. If I had control, I would make things better for the kids and that does not included going back to the way things were.
As forgiving as I am, there’s no going back after everything that’s happened.
I truly appreciate the amount of love coming our way from everyone and it’s hard to really put everything in context without complete knowledge of what’s transpired.
I happen to agree that they need a sense of normalcy and they need consistency as well.
The beet way to look at things right now is as if they were a work in progress. ☺
If Lizze had the capacity to maintain normalcy for the boys, we probably wouldn’t be in this situation. She’s doing the best she can given her mental illnesses. Is that what most of us would consider enough, let alone good? Nope, but that’s the reality of the situation. The boys are so lucky to have Rob.
That’s exactly right. I don’t believe for a second that anything was done with malicious intent. I’m learning to take what I can get and move forward.
I’m glad you can understand Lizze to some extent?? Maybe I’m wrong on this. The kids and I have some serious mental illnesses, but it only makes my EX angry and bitter, even tho it was his choice to divorce. I wish he held the same philosophy that “being angry doesn’t help anyone”. Our kids (and I) are still being treated poorly. I guess treating the kids and I as bad as he does is my EX’s way of controlling the situations and my EX has only concern for himself.
Sorry to be harsh, but I need to know what your secret is on how you convince yourself every day that what you have going on is working for you & the kids & is the best for the kids. I know you love your kids beyond measure but I don’t know what else you can say to convince the rest of us that lizzie is doing what is best for the boys – I guess you are better at forgiving, but it sounded like you had to write this to convince yourself. I KNOW it’s NOT up to us & it is your life & you will do what you want & as long as YOU can live with the choices your making, but like you said – did you ask the kids what they wanted or did you treat them like “property”. My EX to this day, treats his kids like property.
Everyone’s situation is different. Lizze has serious mental and physical illnesses that limit her capacity to function as a parent. I’m not making excuses for her and I won’t because I’ve never agreed with the journey she’s on.
That said, I could be bitter and angry but what good would that do? Would it make her better? Would it help me to be a better parent?
The answer to all of the above is no.
Being angry doesn’t help anyone, least of all the boys. The boys are my only concern in this entire thing.
I get frustrated at times but I let it pass through me as best I can because nothing I say or do is going to change anything that’s outside of my control.
I can see where she’s coming from. I don’t think anger is the answer, obviously but I don’t think her behavior should just be rolled off. It’s clear her actions really bother the boys and as a result set on your shoulders because you are the primary caregiver. I feel like if she was going to dip out on being a parent she could, at the very least, try to keep some semblance of normalcy for them. However, I’m not their mother nor do I even see what goes on offline. So it’s really no one’s business. I guess we’re all just concerned for them as if they were our own. We all know that they didn’t choose this. :/
You’re absolutely right.. The boys didn’t choose this and frankly, neither did I. If I had control, I would make things better for the kids and that does not included going back to the way things were.
As forgiving as I am, there’s no going back after everything that’s happened.
I truly appreciate the amount of love coming our way from everyone and it’s hard to really put everything in context without complete knowledge of what’s transpired.
I happen to agree that they need a sense of normalcy and they need consistency as well.
The beet way to look at things right now is as if they were a work in progress. ☺
If Lizze had the capacity to maintain normalcy for the boys, we probably wouldn’t be in this situation. She’s doing the best she can given her mental illnesses. Is that what most of us would consider enough, let alone good? Nope, but that’s the reality of the situation. The boys are so lucky to have Rob.
That’s exactly right. I don’t believe for a second that anything was done with malicious intent. I’m learning to take what I can get and move forward.
I’m glad you can understand Lizze to some extent?? Maybe I’m wrong on this. The kids and I have some serious mental illnesses, but it only makes my EX angry and bitter, even tho it was his choice to divorce. I wish he held the same philosophy that “being angry doesn’t help anyone”. Our kids (and I) are still being treated poorly. I guess treating the kids and I as bad as he does is my EX’s way of controlling the situations and my EX has only concern for himself.