It's been a long time since I really opened up about how I'm doing or what I'm feeling. I do this because it does me good to get this stuff off my chest and at the same time, it helps others out there to know they aren't alone.
When I share these things, it's only to give you insight into the how's and why's as they relate to my job as a special needs Father and what I go through. Nothing else, so please don't read into this.
Things have gotten really challenging lately and I'm left feeling like everything is falling apart around me.
The problems with Gavin have become more difficult to manage and everyone's paying the price.
Emmett's having potty issues and his doctor thinks it's an emotional problem but he has to go all the time and gets frantic about not being able to wait. He could just have visited the bathroom and then a few minutes later have to go again.
I can't tell you how many meltdowns we've had over this.
While on the topic of potty issues, I mentioned yesterday that Gavin has just revealed to us that he's been having accidents almost every night. He's been hiding his soiled clothes back in his drawers with his clean clothes.
Dr. Pattie has explained that it *could *be behavioral because it's not uncommon for RAD kids to have *accidents *on purpose.
On the flip side of the coin, it's also very, very possible that this is neurological and related to his Autonomic Dysfunction. This means that we have to get him into his specialist at the Cleveland Clinic again and to the urologist as well.
Why he wouldn't tell us while we were at the Cleveland Clinic last week just really frustrates me. This isn't even close to being the most embarrassing thing we've had to deal with, so not being honest about really upsets me because it's a wasted trip and now we have to make two more trips that we can't afford. That's a total of 5 trips to Cleveland in the coming weeks.
Speaking of things we can't afford........
We're in a financial crisis that I don't know how we are going to get out of. Yesterday, the bank sent our mortgage payment *two days early. The money wasn't in the account and so when I went to cancel the payment on Friday, **before* it was supposed to be sent out, the payment was already made. This happened a full 48 hours before it was supposed to and the I should have been able to cancel the payment from within my bill pay.
The result isn't pretty and I have no idea how we're going to recover from this. We went from things just being really tight, to sitting will a negative $500 balance....
I need to call the bank on Monday to figure out what happened. My guess is that because the 15th fell on a Sunday, they sent the payment early, rather then have it sent out on Monday.
This is just a kick in the gut......
Work has been really, really slow and our income has been almost nonexistent for the about the last two months. Truthfully, it wouldn't really matter if I was busier at work because I doubt I could keep up with it anyway.
As long as Gavin's physically in the house, I have to supervise his interactions with everyone. It's an exhaustive process that I honestly am quickly growing to resent. I'm sure that anyone living with a RAD kid will understand what all that entails and why it's absolutely necessary.
Lizze is not doing well and while we are doing everything possible to help her, Gavin being home is significantly impacting any and all progress because of the extreme levels of stress and anxiety that are brought on by his behaviors.
As I'm sitting in my living room, I feel like everything around me is just falling apart.
My hands are absolutely tied right now and I have no options that are even close to being feasible. My stress level is through the roof and climbing.
School just let out for the summer and that means that there is zero times during the day for me to get anything done. I'm so tired of the fighting, screaming and meltdowns that have already begun to plague us.
I'm down to less than 1/4 of a tank of gas in the car we have to burrow because we still haven't been able to replace our van.
This is demoralizing, embarrassing and overwhelming. I'm exhausted and not sure how much fight I have left in me anymore.
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