Something happened the other day that I haven't written about until now because I was kinda struggling with it. Sometimes, I need to sorts process things before I write about them and other times writing about them is how I process things .
It's no secret that I have been emotionally struggling with this whole Gavin thing.
I know that moving Gavin out of the house was the right thing to do. In fact, if anything, we waited too long to move him out.
Having said that, just because it was the right thing to do, doesn't mean that it was by any means an eay thing to do. To be honest, this was probably one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do. It was certainly one of the most painful.
Yesterday, Emmett was drawing pictures of our family. However, this time we were a family of four. He left Gavin out of the picture. I didn't say anything to him because I honestly didn't know what to say.
Emmett didn't mean anything by his drawing but it does seem to send a message. I mean the boys never ask about him anymore. It's like they've moved on.
I suppose that on one hand this could be viewed as a positive thing but it also feels like we've failed, in a huge way.
This really sucks because things weren't supposed to be like this. Maybe that sounds a bit cliche but we were all supposed to be taking on this journey together, as a family. Instead, it feels like we've fallen apart. Even worse is the guilt that comes from feeling more at peace since Gavin's been gone.
I don't know how else to describe this feeling.
I'm not sure that anyone going into building a family ever thinks that at some point along the way, they will have to remove their out of control child from the house. It's just not something that you can prepare for and when it hits, it really knocks you on your ass.
I don't know if any of this even makes any sense. I'm getting sick myself and my antidepressants don't seem to be working.
My appointment to have them adjusted is supposed to be late today but it will be put on hold once again because Emmett has to be a Akron Children's Hospital because he's having vision problems..
Hopefully Emmett's eye will check out okay and we can move forward......
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