Today has been a really tough day for all those living within the 4 walls of the *Lost and Tired* household. Honestly, I'm just going to cut to the chase because I'm so tired and don't want to drag this out anymore that I have to.
Gavin is experiencing *break trough* seizures. These are seizure that occur, even with the medication on board. They seem to be happening more when he's sleeping. We know this is happening because poor Gavin is having accidents while he sleeps and this is not something that has ever been a problem. The neurologist said that this is likely a result of seizure activity while he's sleeping and to let them know when this occurs.
He has also developed pretty bad tremors as well. I know that Depakote can cause this, however, Gavin was on Depakote for many years as a treatment for bipolar disorder and never had tremors. We don't know if this is neurological or a medication side effect, so we need to get him checked out.
Aside for the above, Gavin has been really struggling with self-injury. To be completely honest, struggling is an inaccurate word. Gavin's self-injury is a choice. I know that many people out there can't imagine why a child would do that to themselves on purpose. Please understand that this is a willful act meant to manipulate those around him and *is not* a sensory related issue. This has been proven and well documented. Every time I bring this up, I always get tons of emails telling me that Gavin's sensory seeking and he would never do this on purpose.
While you're entitled to your opinion, this is simply not the case. We have seen multiple experts and everyone that has experienced these first hand is in agreement. These meltdowns are a manipulative tool for him. I'm not being cruel or heartless in my approach to these meltdowns. He's looking to get a reaction and if I give it to him than he will be getting what he wants. In other words, by reacting and intervening, I would, in a sense, be rewarding his behavior. We simply can't afford to do that.
Having said that, today we experienced the worst meltdown in recent history. I didn't record this at first because, honestly, I get tired of recording these. However, Gavin escalated to a point that I felt I needed to document *exactly* what happened. I need to keep a record because if his injuries are ever called into question, I can provide video proof of what happened. It's really sad that I have to do this but unfortunately, we have to protect ourselves.
This clip is only about 5 minutes long. The actual meltdown lasted for about 35-40 minutes. This is difficult to watch because Gavin literally beats himself up. He says lots of things meant to get a reaction out of me. It's not easy to stand there and watch my son do this to himself. Little pieces inside my break, when he's screaming "*Daddy help, make it stop".* He's in pain, only because he keeps hurting himself. He keeps hurting himself because he's mad that he's in trouble and in some weird way, this is him trying to punish me for punishing him. Does that make sense?
I know that sounds far-fetched but many professionals, much smarter than me, have concluded that as at least a partial motive for these actions.
This is a really sh!tty situation to be in because no matter what I do, I'm going to feel like a failure and Gavin is paying a price. This entire thing happened because Gavin was supposed to be reading but instead was playing basketball with Emmett. When I realized that he wasn't doing what I had told him to do, I sent him upstairs to read and reminded him that it still needed to be done before dinner.
That was all it took to set him off. There was no punishment, I just made him do what he didn't want to do. That's it.
At the end of the clip, you'll see me hand Gavin his Lego creation. This is because I was really having a hard time watching him and he literally beat the crap out of his hands. He needs a way to keep his hands busy in order to keep them safe. Sitting on them was hurting and I couldn't watch him anymore so I gave him the car to hold instead of him sitting on his hands. In many ways having him do this is much more effective, because he values his creations and will control himself so that he doesn't break or damage it.
That is a huge indication that he is in control of this behavior. He doesn't care who he upsets, scares or holds hostage. However, he will stop dead in his tracks so that he doesn't damage something he cares about......
I'm aware that many people find this unpleasant to watch. The thing is, you only have to watch it. We have to live it, every single day. We don't have the ability to just click on another page or visit another site. My hope is that some good can come out of this situation. My goal is to help educate people as to what a meltdown can entail. Hopefully, by watching this video, you will gain a better understanding of what many families, like mine, are facing.
Gavin is a good kid and is capable of many amazingly wonderful things. However, he also has some very serious mental health issues to go along with Aspergers. My intention is not to make Gavin look bad. I love Gavin and I do this as a means of helping educate the world that he will someday be living in, God willing. The more people can understand and relate, the more #Autism aware they become.
