I have always said that it takes a big person to to say they're sorry. While I didn't coin the phrase, I do believe that to be true.
Having said that, I find myself in a place where my faith in that saying is starting wane.
The reason I feel that way is a long story that begins many years ago. Rather than bore you with all the history, I'll skip to the more recent times.
Gavin is a great kid and I love him very, very much. At the same time his behaviors are *extremely *exhausting.
The most frustrating part, at least for me is that he never seems to learn from his mistakes. In all fairness, this may be related to his developmental delay but at the same time, it's still an overwhelming situation.
The most recent example of this is the inappropriate contact he keeps having with his brothers.
He knows that he is to keep his *hands, feet and teeth* to himself. He is not allowed to kiss his brothers and he needs to ask permission from someone in order to make contact with them.
For the most part he seems to be doing a bit better with this but we keep having problems with it.
Generally speaking, any time he gets caught making inappropriate contact with someone or just doing something else he's not supposed to be doing, he totally freaks out.
He will meltdown and start screaming that he's *sorry*.
If it felt like he actually meant it, that would be one thing. However, in Gavin's case, he's not sorry about what he did, he's sorry he got caught.
Does that make sense to anyone?
If you ever listen to Gavin when he's having a meltdown, very rarely is he saying anything about what he did to get into trouble. To the contrary, he's freaking out because he's being held accountable for his actions.
Listening to Gavin say that *he's sorry* has become like nails on a chalkboard.
I'll be the first to admit how bad that sounds but at the same time, I'm only human. I'm trying my best to do right by my family and I only have so much patience to go around.
Sometimes it just feels like Gavin has used up his rations. Do you know what I mean?
I feel guilty to an extent, because a father shouldn't feel that way about his son, right? At the same time, I feel like I need to be honest about it.
I'm only human and I can only take so much. It's not like I haven't been patient for many, many years. I have just reached a point that I really don't know what to do.
Gavin can do some really, really great things. However, he can also do things that can be a real problem.
When he makes the same *less than good* choices over and over and over again, things start to get old. When he *screams* he's sorry, but only because he was caught, it becomes like nails on a chalkboard.
Do any of you ever experience these feelings? How do you keep going on when it's the same things, over and over again?
I hate the fact that "sorry" has begun to lose its meaning.. :-(
***Thanks for reading***
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