The surgery was pushed back 2 hours. It was at 9am now it’s at noon. I’m sitting here starting to get really nervous. There are a multitude of things running through my head right now. I hate that she has to go through this in the first place. I know it’s irrational maybe but I wish we had her medical history… Perhaps it wouldn’t help with everything but at least I would feel like we had as many of the pieces as possible to help us make informed decisions. It’s frustrating because I know where the history is but it’s unattainable. I’m so tired of having to live with other people selfish decisions. We had it first with Gavin;s biological grandmother and now Lizze’s biological mother. What is wrong with people who put themselves before their own flesh and blood? I really think there has to be something wrong because it’s just not normal.

I’m worried that Lizze is going to be worse off after the procedure as sometimes happens with Fibro patients. I can’t imagine her in any worse pain or how we would be able to deal with it. Things are so difficult already. I’m worried that there will be complications as often happens with her. I’m worried about the risk of blood clots after everything is done. I will probably have to give her injections multiple times a day like when she was on bed rest. I terrified that because insurance WILL NOT pay for any part of this MEDICALLY NECESSARY procedure that they won’t cover the blood thinners which if I remember correctly were in the thousands of dollars a month category when she was pregnant with Elliott and Emmett (I just looked it up and whether it’s heparin or lovanox it will be well over $1000/month). If that’s the case what am I supposed to do? Hopefully insurance will cover them?

I’m worried that the kids won’t transition well this week and that means a much more difficult time when Lizze comes home. While Gavin is behaviorally doing ok he is still out of touch with reality. How is he going to handle all of this.

I’m already so tired I don’t know how long I can keep this up. We have talked to people without Lizze’s complications and and they were down for 4 weeks after this surgery. Everything with Lizze is complicated so the doctors are expecting her to take twice as long to recover. I’m worried I won’t be strong enough to last that long (certainly not for lack of trying). I’m worried how we are going to handle everything financially if Aultman Hospital is unsuccessful in getting insurance to cover the surgery. If they won’t cover the surgery why would they cover the medications necessary for her to survive recovery?

I just don’t know why things always have to be so difficult for my family? We’re already struggling for survival. I know there are people out there in worse situations and my heart goes out to them. However, everything is relative and for me raising 3 Autistic kids with my wife chronically ill is challenging on the very best of days and impossible on most others.