As I mentioned in the last post Gavin has no chance of functioning on his own. He will either live with us forever or live in a group home setting. We have poured everything we have into Gavin and nothing really sticks. I hate to say it’s a waste of time anymore but in reality it probably is.
Gavin’s behaviors have destroyed our lives. Lizze is sick with stress related things like fibromyalgia. I’ve been battling depression and anxiety. Elliott Richard’s anxiety is through the roof and he’s in therapy as a result of the stress caused by Gavin’s behaviors. ER has nightmares because Gavin tells him terrifying things like “vampires come out at night and they are going to bite your neck and drink your blood”. No matter how many times we correct or punish him for that he either doesn’t care or doesn’t remember because he just keeps doing it.
Emmett John is just trying to figure out his place in this world. He has quiet a few major sensory issues and he is still developmentally delayed. He is still mostly non-verbal but has started talking in the last few weeks. He says maybe 3 words and only one is really used correctly but he makes more progress each day. He is also affected by all of this as he is also having anxiety issues.
What makes this even tougher for me is that I adopted Gavin he’s not biologically mine. Their is a biological connection between ER,EJ and myself. The more they are affected by Gavin’s behaviors the more apparent the biological connection becomes. I realize this sounds really bad but it’s the truth and I promised you the truth. Believe me, I beat myself up enough for feeling this way.
What are you supposed to do when Autism makes you choose? The needs of the many over the needs of the few? At what point did Gavin have to become “expendable”?
Is there really no way to make all of this work? These are all the questions I face right now.
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You could be writing this about my son. At 14 he is still doing the same things Gavin is doing. No matter how many times you tell him, no matter what you say, how many minutes (hours) of time out they get… it's the same thing… day after day.
You have said it yourself many times… you don't understand unless you've been there. Most parents would flat tell you they "wouldn't" choose between their children… in reality, many of them do without even realizing it. Its not something that we do lightly, or even willingly. It's something we do to preserve the ones that can be preserved… and protect those who cannot.
That doesn't mean we will EVER stop loving, or fighting for our kids… It doesn't mean we're BAD parents. It means that we know what it takes to make the really hard choices… and we've got the stuff to see it through, because it's what's best for our kids.
Why don't people's comments show up??