Sensory Archives - Page 87 of 471

I need to figure out how to start living my life again

We buried my grandmother this morning, and that was really hard. She was the last grandparent on both sides of our family, and now that entire generation is gone. I don't think that this has really set in yet, but it will hit me at some point very soon. Something that I took away from today is that I spend far too much time worrying about how short life is. I worry about burning through my time on this Earth, and it's depressing. I'm not very religious, but one thing that really stuck with me from the sermon at her funeral today is that I need to stop worrying about how short life is and start living it instead. I'm struggling with that a lot recently, and it's something I…

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June 21, 2019

Hopefully we made the right decision

The boys are at Lizze's parent for at least the next day, and possibly the next two days. Lizze and I will be leaving very early in the morning and making our way to Youngstown. It's about an hour and twenty-minute drive, and we need to be there no later than 8:30 AM because that's when services for my grandmother begin. Calling hours were Wednesday night and Thursday morning before the funeral. I spent every day with her for the last few months, and I couldn't handle two days of calling hours. I've never had a death hit me this hard, and I'm already depressed. I decided it would be best for me to forego the first viewing and instead see her before the funeral. As I mentioned, the boys…

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June 20, 2019

Autism Parenting Struggles / Emmett John / My thoughts

I think this is best

Poor Emmett has been struggling today. He's trying to decide if he is comfortable going to my grandmother's funeral on Thursday. Elliott and Gavin are a hard no. Emmett has been on the fence. Lizze and I don't want him to feel pressured either way, but we do need to know. My Dad called me this afternoon and asked me if Emmett might be will to read something during the mass. He was very clear that he didn't want Emmett to feel any pressure, and agreed with our approach. I spoke with Emmett about if he decides to go, would he be willing to do a reading during mass. When he said yes, I was a little concerned that he was afraid to say no. I told him to think…

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June 18, 2019

Clozapine / Gavin / My thoughts

Gavin’s appointment went well

Gavin's psychiatric appointment went great this morning. Nothing changed and we're going to continue pushing ahead with his current dose of Clozapine, at 300mg/day. There is little evidence that increasing the dose will produce a more positive outcome. In fact, we have a ton of evidence to the contrary. Gavin may never be free from delusion or psychosis, and that's something we've accepted. Our mission is to find a dose that is both safe and maximizes his quality of life. I feel like 300mg/day is a good balance. We will just keep on keeping on.. 😀

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June 18, 2019

Gavin / My thoughts

It’s my fault, not his

I'm not having a good morning. I feel like I didn't sleep well and I'm not in a good mood. Gavin is particularly trying today, but it's not his fault. He always asks me the same questions over and over again. The difference today is that I'm not in a very good place. It's really my fault, not his. I need to work very hard to make sure that I don't lose my composure today. My kids are already saturated with stress, and they don't need me falling apart on them. Hopefully, I'll be able to reset the morning after we get home from Gavin's doctor's appointment..

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June 18, 2019

Autism Parenting Insight / My thoughts

How my kids are dealing with the loss of my grandmother

I'm beginning to see the impact of my grandmother's death on my kids, particularly Emmett. None of my kids are talking about her or the fact that she's passed, and that's in stark contrast to what things were like while she was still with us. All three of my kids are Autistic, and that can make dealing with things like death, much more complicated. For the most part, Gavin seems to be doing okay. I showed him a video that my Dad sent me. It was taken a few days before she passed. She was thanking Gavin for the letter he wrote and read to her. She thanked him for sharing a video with her and told him how much she loved him. Gavin was clearly choked up by it,…

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June 18, 2019

Autism Parenting Advice / My thoughts

The only advice I have for parents dealing with loss

I'm having a hard time getting motivated today. The boys and I have been working on Minecraft together, and that was fun. I haven't got much else done though. As I'm writing this, it occurred to me that part of the issue is that every day, about this time, I was visiting my grandmother at her nursing home. I've been doing that for months. It had become such a huge part of my life, and I sort of built my schedule around seeing her. Now there's a void. Not only do I not get to see her anymore, but I also have the vacuum I need to fill with something else. Unusually I do pretty good with change, but this is a lot of adjustment, and it's only been a…

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June 17, 2019

My thoughts

This is going to be a tough week

It's going to be a chaotic week. On Tuesday Gavin sees his psychiatrist for a follow-up with his Clozapine. Wednesday is calling hours for my grandmother, and Thursday is her funeral. I'm not looking forward to most of this, but it's incredibly important that I not allow it to pull me under. Today is the first day in about a week that I should be able to go walking. I need to make that a priority, not only because I refuse to let a month go by where I don't reach my goal, but also it's something that helps me cope with stress. I definitely need all the help I can get in that area. Depression is no joke, and this is the kind of thing that has historically knocked…

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June 17, 2019