It’s so f*cking heartbreaking

The boys came home around noon today and Elliott was in a mood from the moment he walked in the door. Visits are a mixed bag for any kid but when you factor in the complexity that Autism brings to the party, it's even more so. A mixed reaction to a visit with his mom doesn't necessarily reflect a bad visit. It's just a very difficult thing emotionally, to navigate and transition struggles are expected. That being said, he did eventually sit down and talk with me after he had a pretty big emotional outburst. Elliott doesn't like talking about his feelings and I can understand that, but we have to know what's going on in order to better help him. It's absolutely a work in progress but progress is…

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We need to play catch-up

I've been slacking a bit this weekend in the writing department and I wanted to provide a few updates before I call it a night. First of all, the boys are at their mom and grandparents house for the night. They'll be back home around noon today. The break has been helpful and I spent most of it resting. I started watching this new series on Netflix called October Faction. I also spent some time making further preparations for our trip to Orlando in the next couple of weeks. I've booked hotel stays for the way down and back. I've reserved the kennel for Ruby and she goes to the vet on Monday for a checkup and her kennel cough vaccine. The boys have a few appointments this week and…

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A few of my 2020 goals

One of my goals for 2020 is to further expand upon my efforts and to do that, it requires several things. One I need to setup more of a business structure. One of the things I need to do is meet with an attorney. Something similar to Kazmi Law might work. I've mentioned many times before that I wanted to setup a non-profit but I'm not sure. I make my living with this site via things like digital marketing and sponsorships. I sell adspace here and adspots on the podcast. This allows me to generate an income that helps me feed my kids and fuel my efforts going forward. One of my challenges is that I'm doing this alone. I don't have a team of people working for or with…

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How about some fantastic news

I'm in a rush at the moment but I wanted to share some good news. For the last 3 days, Emmett has gone to school for 90 minutes. The plan for this week was for him to attend for 1 hour and I would pick him up. Basically, I drop them off at school, go walking and then pick Emmett back up. The principal and I worked this out. This is major progress because when I pick Emmett up, he's not in a complete panic at this point. He says that it's not great but it's not terrible. That's progress and I'll take it. Beginning Monday, Emmett will be going to school for at least 2 hours each morning. He's feeling much better about school and while we aren't out…

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I’m not angry but I am frustrated and overwhelmed

Not a great deal was accomplished at our brainstorming session last night. The who point was to try and come up with some ideas that will help Emmett get back to school. I don't think the gravity of the situation is hitting everyone because they don't have to deal with any of it. I'm the only one facing these challenges with my kids. I'm the one that has to see them struggling and/or be up all night with them because they're having nightmares. It's frustrating for me because everyone else is on the outside looking in, while I'm drowning, trying to keep everyone afloat. I'm desperately in need of a solution that works. I'm not angry with anyone. I'm overwhelmed and at the end of my rope. That said, everyone…

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The good news and the bad news

The day has been long and frustrating. First, I want to share some good news. I really want to refocus on finding the silver lining in each day. Gavin did his own IVIG Infusion today for the first time in a long time. His infusion went off without a hitch and without any leaking. Gavin came down the stairs afterwards and said "Dad, I was really lucky today because my infusion didn't leak." I looked at him, made him walk back upstairs and start over. This time, however, I wanted him to say "Dad, I did a great job with my infusion and it finished without leaking." The reason for me doing this was to reframe how he views what happened. Rather than just think he was lucky, I wanted…

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I just heard back from the school

Monday is off to a meh kinda start. It's not terrible but it could be better. Elliott got off to school and Emmett is doing okay this morning. I heard from the school a few hours ago and I'm meeting with them tomorrow morning to discuss options. I'm not sure what those options are but I do know that the goal is temporary home instruction. I'm not sure how this is going to go. Emmett's mom and I will be pushing for whatever is in Emmett's best interest. Anyway, that's for tomorrow. Gavin's infusion is currently underway. He did the entire process on his own. He wasn't happy about that but he must be able to do this on his own. I'm always here to help him but this is…

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#Depression is absolutely kicking my ass

I had a nice chat with my Dad this afternoon. I called to see how he was doing because he's been sick. He's sorta feeling better but now my Mom is sick. We only spent a few minutes on the phone but I sorta unloaded a bit and it was something I really needed to do. I get so caught up in everything that is demanded of me, I don't see how much I'm personally struggling. I'm exhausted, overwhelmed and massively fucking depressed. The truth is, I'm absolutely lost and I don't know how to find my way home. I'm somewhat going through the motions each day, but I'm dropping the ball in all areas of my life. I just can't keep up. In my opinion, I'm failing my kids…

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