Insomnia Archives - Page 12 of 353

I’m struggling today

I'm struggling a bit today because I just am. I could say it's because we've been on lockdown for 67 days straight or that I'm depressed. I could say that it's because Gavin's off his meds and the kids have been home from school. I could say that it's because I'm struggling with my pending divorce or that I miss the person I married. I could say all of those things because they're all true but the reality, however, is that I don't know why I'm struggling today. Perhaps it's a combination of everything? Perhaps it's that I'm tired and just need this to be over? All I know is that today has already proven to be very challenging and I can't seem to get my footing. It feels like…

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May 12, 2020

COVID19 / Lockdown / My thoughts

I’d rather not spend the money but I’m too tired to care

I had a really hard time falling asleep last night. I ended up finally crashing around 5:30 AM and for those wondering, that puts me at a significant disadvantage going into the day. I was able to get about 4 hours of sleep because the boys slept in. Super grateful for that. The goal for today is pretty simple, I want to get Gavin started using Mightier and I need to unbox something that was sent out for me to look at and share. The super annoying hangup right now is that someone a few doors down has this dog that incessantly barks and they just ignore it.. It's really hard to record anything because nothing is even remotely soundproof in my house. I've considered filing a noise complaint because…

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May 11, 2020

Gavin / My thoughts

A mixed bag

Thus far, today has been a mixed bag. The boys wanted to do yard work but Gavin decided he'd rather clean the bathroom, which is fine. I don't leave the boys outside alone for several reasons, all related to safety. Everyone did great and now I need to get some work done on my end. I have two ads for the podcast to record. I say a mixed bag because Gavin has this habit of breaking things that don't belong to him. He doesn't do it on purpose. He just lacks awareness of certain things and that leads to more frequent accidents. Today he broke my electric razor. He says he doesn't know how it happened and that it just rolled off the counter and hit the floor. The razor…

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May 11, 2020

My thoughts

Bittersweet

Today is bittersweet because it's the first Mother's Day since Lizze left. The boys aren't really stressed out about it because to them, it's just a other day on COVID19 lockdown. Truthfully, it's better this way because they don't need anything else to worry about. It's bittersweet for me because I always celebrated Mother's Day. We didn't always have the money but I tried to make sure we always did something special. Today is going to be hard for me but that's okay. Today isn't about me or how I'm feeling. This will mark the first time Lizze hasn't been with her kids on Mother's Day and I know that's hurting her. We have our differences and I don't agree with her decisions but the thought of her being in…

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May 10, 2020

Gavin / My thoughts / Self-injurious Behavior

I need more patience and I don’t know where to find it

Last night was really bad. Gavin had a massive blowout about 12:30 am. What happened matters less than what triggered it. Ever since Gavin was little, he has not been able to tolerate making mistakes. There are times when he makes a mistake and can brush it but majority of the time, mistakes lead to self-injurious meltdowns. Truthfully, I don't really know what to call these episodes. I don't know that they qualify as actual meltdowns and I'd prefer not to mislable them because it sends the wrong message. It might be more accurate to say that Gavin loses his temper. I think that's a fair way to describe what happens. Everyone loses their temper from time to time and that's not a problem in and of itself. The issue…

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May 9, 2020

Gavin / My thoughts

Confessions: Sometimes I am resentful that I’m raising my kids alone

I've had a really stressful night because Gavin had a pretty massive freak out and I once again had to deal with it alone. I'm too tired to get into details but essentially, Gavin made a mistake and flipped the fuck out because he doesn't tolerate making mistakes. He's always been this way. He's very forgiving and understanding when other people make mistakes but he's brutal towards himself. Unfortunately, this happened after midnight and I simply don't have the patience to spend on moments like these. It's incredibly frustrating and if I had more patience, I could have handled it much better. For the most part, I've come to terms with being a single parent. I've come to terms with doing this on my own. There are times where I'm…

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May 9, 2020

COVID19 / Gavin / IVIG Infusion / Lockdown / My thoughts

My #specialneeds #immunocompromised son is terrified by #COVID19 and afraid of dying alone

I just spent a good chunk of time trying to convince Gavin that he does not have COVID19. This is heartbreaking and becoming an ongoing struggle that's proving difficult to navigate. In case you're one of my many new readers, here's a little background on Gavin so you can put this into perspective. Gavin is 20 years old but emotionally and cognitively, he's somewhere in the neighborhood of 5 or 6 years of age. That's the best guess as to where he is developmentally. Gavin also has many health issues that render his health fragile. While they all matter, the biggest concern in regards to COVID19 is that he's significantly immunocompromised. This means his immune system doesn't function properly and in order to stay healthy, he needs to infuse a…

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May 7, 2020

COVID19 / Family Fun / Lockdown / My thoughts

Breaking the monotony of lockdown with some backyard fun

The boys and I have been working on setting up a fire pit in our yard. We're cleaning out the back half, and building an area were we can spend time together and sorta feel like we're escaping all this insanity. Our first planned fire is this Friday. We have to register with the city and wait 48 hours before using it. We have some food to cook over the fire and the kids are really looking forward to seeing all their hard work pay off. It's still bittersweet because there are four seats instead of five but that's okay. We decided this would our guys spot. Maybe we'll add a fifth seat for when the pandemic is over and their friends come to visit again. I'm looking forward to…

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May 7, 2020