A long overdue emotional exhale

I feel like my day started off amazingly well and then it slowly, methodically descended into chaos as the day went on. I managed to get some work done but not enough and that's really frustrating me. I'm exhausted, overwhelmed and in the process of figuring out how to go about building a new life. Emmett is struggling because he apparently was under the impression the divorce had been finalized for a long time. When it discovered that it wasn't going to be finalized until yesterday, it really upset him. I didn't know he had misunderstood the situation for so long and I'm not sure what lead to the confusion. Unfortunately, he now feels like the whole thing has been reopened. He's on a hair trigger right now and it's…

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Why I don’t believe time heals all wounds

Yesterday was honestly one of the hardest days of my life but I survived. My marriage of nearly two decades officially came to an end, oddly enough, with the same words that it began with, I do. Our court hearing took place over the phone, at my attorney's office. It's kinda weird doing something like this over the phone but COVID has changed a great many things on our daily lives. The whole process took only a few minutes and it basically ended with the Lizze and I each being asked if we wanted to the court to adopt our agreement. I hadn't recognized the irony of answering that question with I do until 24 hours later, as I was writing this. The question was asked something like this. Robert,…

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I’m struggling a bit tonight

I'm getting divorced on Tuesday morning and there are a few things Lizze wanted from the house. It was kinda like a scavanger hunt because I couldn't find some of these things at first. After a few phones calls back and forth, I managed to locate most of what she was looking for. There are some items in the attic but they're staying there until I gut it, hopefully this spring. Anyway, I emptied my closet completely for the first time since she left and I came across quite a few memories that hurt to remember. They would otherwise be positive memories, and perhaps with time, someday they will be again. Everything is collected into about four or five boxes and they're just sitting in my room, waiting to be…

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I got some health related news today

It's stressful day but I ended up getting some really good news. Since being on lockdown, I haven't been to see my doctor. The last time I was seen was September of 2019. I was not in a good place at that point because my wife had just left and I was feeling completely lost trying to raise the kids on my own. When I was seen for a routine checkup, I have my routine labs run and while they weren't super bad, they were bad for me. My glucose was high, my cholesterol was high, my triglycerides were high and I was pretty much a hot mess. I was not in a good place emotionally and I that certainly wasn't helpful. I was supposed to return for a routine…

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I solved a simple but nagging problem

I've been back in my makeshift studio recording season 4 of my podcast and I've had this one nagging problem that I haven't been able to fix. That's not exactly true. The truth is, I haven't been willing to take the time needed to fix it properly. It's not a huge deal but it's annoying as all get out. Part of the reason for the delay in properly repairing was that I wanted to enlist Emmett's help in troubleshooting and see if he could come up with a working solution. If you look at the underside of my table, you'll see a mess of cables. I wanted to make the table include everything without having multiple cords plugged into the limited outlets in my room. I ran one powers trip…

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My life will forever change next week but I’m going to be okay

I realized this morning that my marriage will officially be over in a week. I'm sure it will be the main topic in therapy this week. This whole thing is a mixed bag for me because letting go of something that was so important to me is incredibly difficult. There's a roller coaster of emotions surrounding this and as I'm laying here on the couch, listening to my kids kids playing upstairs, I'm getting emotional. I've been talking to my therapist about this a lot and last week, she was pretty blunt with me. She's a little concerned that while I may be doing okay right now, next Tuesday could be a very different story. I'm managing my depression as well as can be expected under all these insane conditions.…

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I love sharing good news

I wanted to share a couple of updates that are actually quite positive for a change. For those who don't know, Gavin's absolute favorite snack in the entire world is Little Debbie Swiss Rolls. They're simply his thing and have been for as long as I can remember. For his 21st birthday, I wanted to surprise him with a whole bunch of Swiss Rolls. I ordered a case on Amazon and it finally showed up. There's about 100 Swiss Rolls and he was in heaven. 😂 Being the sweetheart that he is, he wanted to share with his brothers and gave them each a box. He wanted to give them more but I limited it to one box each because I really want this to be for Gavin. Before the…

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#Autism or not, kids will be kids and brothers will be brothers

It's been a day. The kids have not been very cooperative and fighting a great deal more than usual. I'm not sure what's going on but we'll just say it was a somewhat challenging weekend. One of the issues we're struggling with is the boys get very frustrated with Gavin. They see a grown man on the outside but get frustrated when he doesn't act like an adult. Gavin wants to be treated like he's an adult but very often doesn't act like one and for good reason. Gavin is significantly cognitively delayed and in many areas of his emotional life, he's much closer to a 6 year old level than that of a 21 year old. I've known him for 20 years and I can find myself frustrated at…

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