Today was a sort of a mixed bag for the boys and I. We got off to a great start in the morning but then there was a shit ton of drama surrounding Gavin's IVIG Infusion. He's becoming paranoid when it comes to this and won't leave the needles alone after they're placed. He fiddles with them and when they show the slightest sign that they might be leaking, he shuts everything down, pulls the needles and re-sticks himself. That in and of itself isn't a major issue. The problem is that the needles are supposed to be sterile and when he sticks himself multiple times, the risk of infection increases. We had a nice long, dramatic discussion about this and he gets so upset because he thinks he's causing…

I managed a decent night's sleep and I'm so grateful for that. I'm not entirely sure what I did differently but I feel much more recharged today than I have in a long while. Fitbit even liked it. I'm a pretty good start to the day and while there were some issues with Gavin and his infusion, I kept my cool and was patient. Sleep is so important and I would really like to make sure that I get many more night like this because I need it to be better for my kids and myself.

I think we had a fantastic day and I feel quite accomplished. We got so much done today and I'm incredibly proud of my kids for their help. We got some of the basement cleaned up and hauled out to the trash. I've been meaning to do this for awhile but it's just not happened. The boys and I spent some time straightening up the house. I got the car washed and waxed as well. After dinner, I got the grass cut and the yard straightened. The boys didn't stick around for too long because the mosquitoes were bad. I even got a chance to close my eyes for a few minutes. I woke up with Ruby curled up on my shoulder. My parents stopped by this evening for a…

Depression makes everything so much harder to navigate, especially as a parent. We're neck deep in a worsening pandemic and we've been locked down for 115 days now. That is not conducive to good mental health. I find that I'm doing really good on some days but bad on others. I'm anxious, preoccupied with mortality and unable to focus or remember things like I normally would be able to. It's incredibly frustrating. I'm not a quiter and I don't easily give up but I'm really struggling right now. Sleep has been eluding me and to be completely honest, I'm nearing the 1 year mark since Lizze left. It still hurts and these milestones, especially the first ones, are very painful for me. I sorta feel like I'm adrift at sea…

I've been having the worst time sleeping lately. This past week I haven't had more than 3 hours of sleep a night, if I'm lucky. I'm grateful for even getting that much but it's not enough. Even melatonin isn't helping and that's about as hardcore as I can personally get because I need to be able to hear, respond to and assist my kids in the middle of the night. Stress is a major factor here and while I can't necessarily do a whole lot about that, there are things I can do. I'm aware that I haven't been drinking much water or at least not drinking enough water. That can have a profound impact on sleep quality. Depression is also playing a role in this as well. One of…