I thought it would be a growing experience for me to share with you 10 things about myself that I don’t share with many people. Some of these things are very personal and I never talk about. I’m trying to grow as a person and so I think that by sharing these things, maybe I can do just that. This list is in no particular order of importance or significance to me.
10 Thing’s You Don’t Known About Me
1) I’m terrified of the dentist and haven’t seen one in over 10 years. I take good care of my teeth but I get sick just thinking about going to the dentist.
2) I’m ashamed that when Gavin has behavioral issues, I sometimes view him differently than I do my biological children. I perceive him as a threat and instinctively want to protect the boys from his behaviors.
3) I hate Gavin’s biological father and paternal grandmother for everything they did to Gavin and my family. They abused Gavin and there was nothing we could do to stop it. I will never forgive myself for what happened to my Gavin.
4) I sometimes miss my old life. My life before I became a husband and a father. Life is so stressful and I miss the simpler times. Having said that, I would do this all over again if given the choice.
5) I haven’t been to see my Grandmother’s grave since the funeral, many years ago.
6) I grew up with a neighbor that was a pedophile. He did a lot of damage to me and many others. He was never prosecuted and I often think about confronting him. I think this is part of why I’m so sensitive to Gavin’s inappropriate touching.
7) I performed CPR on a 15 year old girl who was hit, literally run over and dragged by 2 cars, at high speed on the freeway. You can’t even imagine what that was like. All of her clothes had been ground off of her and there wasn’t an unbroken bone in her entire body. I have never recovered from that experience and will never be able to remove those images from my head.
8 ) I lost a patient once, that had been fighting with his wife prior to be taken to the hospital. He went downhill so fast and we were so far away from the hospital. The last thing he said was, “tell my wife I’m sorry and I love her”. I never did. I had no idea how to say that and it’s haunted me ever since and affect my relationship with Lizze to this day.
9) I’m terrified that Gavin is slowly dying. So many bizarre and major things are going wrong with his health and no one can tell us how much worse this is going to get. They can’t even tell us what’s happening. I don’t know how much time we have left and I feel guilty correcting Gavin all the time because I don’t know what’s what with him. I know we have to do this but I’m afraid the last memories he will have of us or us of him, will be that of conflict.
10) I’m absolutely ashamed that I can’t do better or more for my family than I am. A father is supposed to provide for his kids and give them a comfortable, safe place to live and grow up. A husband is supposed to that care of his wife and make sure she gets what she needs to improve her health. No matter what I do, I can’t make anything better and whether or not it’s rational, it’s how I feel.
Posted from WordPress for Android so please forgive any typos as auto correct and I don’t get along very well sometimes.
Rob, when I read your posts, like this one, it is like looking into a mirror.
I was abused by a step-father from age 8 to 12.
I hate what Marc's birth mom did to him. I hate what his behaviors are doing to the family. I hate the stress that is caused by them. I hate not knowing what is going to go wrong with my health next. I hate not supporting my family. I hate depending on my wife for things.
I love that Marc is with us and that he is in our family. Our whole family feels that way and says so all of the time. Even with his behaviors, when he was in the group home, the only thing that his brothers and sisters wanted was for him to come home. I love that my poor health has made me more compassionate. I love that my wife is willing and able to work to support us, I am lucky in that regard.
I wish there was some way that I could help you.
You are an inspiration to me Rob. I count myself blessed to have met you. Someday, I hope to meet you in person and shake your hand. You make me want to be a better father to my family.
My recent post Why Self-Control Matters and How to Get More of It
You are not alone in your experience, just know there are others (men) out there. We are not as brave as you to write like this. And many of us are unaware of our issues.
((9) I’m terrified that Gavin is slowly dying. So many bizarre and major things are going wrong with his health and no one can tell us how much worse this is going to get. They can’t even tell us what’s happening. I don’t know how much time we have left and I feel guilty correcting Gavin all the time because I don’t know what’s what with him. I know we have to do this but I’m afraid the last memories he will have of us or us of him, will be that of conflict.))
Just Love him however you know how to. Be his Leader, his Father, his role model. That is what counts, that you just do your best, whatever it is, in that moment.
You bring tears to my eyes because I have some (not all) of your experience and emotion and I Empathize and the prideful manly part of me says stop reading but my heart knows what I should attend to.
Keep writing, you make a difference.
d
David,
Thank you
You should absolutely not feel ashamed of what you are doing. You are doing an impossible job with courage and honesty and grace. Sometimes the situation is such that the "supposed to"s are different. No one is "supposed to" be able to handle impossible situations, no one. It's a miracle you are still in one piece and your family is all together. I liked your post in which you said you were proud of your messy house because it meant all your time was going to a better place — that is the reality of it. Some things are going to fall through the cracks. C'est la vie.
Wow – that's all pretty humbling. x